


Ignominy

by arminissues



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Beating, Blood, Bullying, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hanji’s pov, Hurt/Comfort, Name-Calling, Pain, Rape, Sad, Self-Harm, Tears, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-16 17:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arminissues/pseuds/arminissues
Summary: Hanji Zoë.I always was the one who nobody wanted to spend time with, unless it was to hurt me physically or mentally. I got hurt in ways I never expected to get hurt, people who I never thought would betray me, did so. My trust in others shattered like thousands pieces of glass and building it up again was practically impossible.They broke me, hurt me, beat me and laughed about it. None of them showed any signs of regret and they kept going further.They got bigger while I shrunk smaller and smaller. I had nothing to hold onto, nothing that gave me strength, I was on the ground until I got picked up and got taken care of by the only one who would’ve ever taken time to fix me, and I slowly started to believe that everything would work out eventually.I had to believe it, even if I knew it wasn’t going to work the way I imagined it would. There was a danger behind every corner, a trap behind every promise, bad behind every good intention, and bogus behind every smile.I couldn’t take it, but I was thankful I wasn’t entirely alone at least.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so it’s not that good but I’m working on getting better and hopefully get this to the end I imagined before probably starting anything new. 
> 
> Feedback is very much appreciated so I can improve my writing and the story!
> 
> I hope the story is good and you like it cause there’s much work behind. 
> 
> I’m trying to update as often as possible. Thanks for reading! <3

You certainly heard of the class clown, that weird girl that spent her Saturdays at the school laboratory instead of going on some kind of date or spend some time with people rather than chemicals, that girl that was always messy, that ridiculous girl nobody liked. 

Yep. That was me. Hanji Zoë. 

I knew I was weird, and yes, I was aware of these weird looks you were giving me, I was aware of the chatter you all were doing behind my back, and I was aware of the fact that I was way too 'uncool' to have any real friends. 

You guys made yourself clear enough, if you ask me. But hey, life went on, didn't it? It shouldn't have bothered me, shouldn't have affected me, shouldn't have hurt me. 

I kept wearing that big ass grin on my face, and that was all you've got to see of me. 

I laughed it off whenever I felt one of you spilling some liquid over me, when some of you decided it was fun to push me downstairs, when others thought it was okay to make fun of my family. 

You had no idea. You all had no idea how much these things were affecting me, hurting me, devouring me from the inside. 

Did you know how it was to sit at home alone when the only friend you have is that small, sharp piece of metal that glides over your skin like a knife cuts through butter?

Did you know how it was to cry yourself to sleep every day? Did you know how it was to bear all that shit you guys are doing to me? To keep going, to walk over fragments of sharp, broken glass with your bare feet and keep that silly, huge smile all day long? To let all that piercing pain rip your heart apart with every damned day, every damned minute I spend in that hell you call school? 

Hah. Of course you didn't. Nobody does. And nobody ever will. Because it wasn't /you/ who was being pushed to the ground. You pushed the weak ones under yourself so your poor excuse of a human being can feel better, didn't you?  
And you know what? 

It hurt. A lot. A whole... damned... lot. 

You treated people like they had no right to live, no right to be happy, only because you wanted yourself to feel better? 

Why? Why did it have to be me? Why were you doing this to me? What have I ever done wrong to any of you? You didn't like it that I like science? Well, fuck, not every girl loves makeup and dresses. Not every girl has huge breasts and a giant ass for you to play with. Welcome to reality. I'm sorry, but it didn't always work like you want. 

Well... seems like it did, anyway. How fortunate for you. Congratulations. You did a great job. Now go and get your prize. What that prize is, you ask? Easy. 

It's people like me, crumbling slowly, breaking painfully, suffering endlessly. 

You like that kind of prize, don't you? It's what you want, isn't it? Of course it is, don't even try to deny it. I saw it in your eyes. 

My mother used to tell me this:  
'If people want to push you down, get up and show them what they do has no effect on you.  
They are the weak ones, not you.  
They will be the ones to suffer at the end, not you.  
Because at the end, everything will be as it was intended.  
You can change your fate.'

I wouldn't have said my mother was a liar. Neither would I have said she always spoke the truth. She was a good woman with a big heart, no doubts. And that was what made her death even more painful for me. 

But I'm not here to talk about my mother, am I? You wouldn't care either, even if I told you. But hey, it's fine. I get it. 

I was the ridiculous one. The pitiful one. The lonely one. 

I just hope you at least had fun with whatever you think you were doing right. Because I certainly didn't. Not that any of you cared either. 

So, where were we? Ah- school, right. 

It was a normal Monday morning. 

The sun was shining bright through the windows, warming up the classroom in a comforting heat which I enjoyed really much even though I never really liked heat. 

This day was different, somehow. 

The teacher was doing his thing and, like always, didn't give a damn about what we were doing, as long as we've got something to present at the end of the lesson. 

Like always, I was the only one that was actually working on the task we got with effort and, as far as I knew my beloved classmates, someone special was going to snatch them away again any moment since it was more important for him to pass the class, obviously. 

What they didn't know was that I always made copies of what I worked on, so at least my grades didn't have to suffer. 

I was an excellent student, I got straight A's everywhere. 

But there was nobody who could be proud of me for having these, nobody who could tell me I did well. Not that I cared. I was used to it. 

My biggest dream was to study marine biology one day, so I had to work my ass off to reach that. Marine biology- isn't that amazing?! Then I had at least reached one thing in my life I could be proud of. 

There were the usual chatter, the usual poking or throwing paper balls and pens at me, nothing too inordinarily for the first day of school after the weekend. 

Actually, it was quite calm. The calm before the storm, wasn't it? I hoped not. But I knew it was. 

The loud noises in the room where suddenly silenced by the opening of the door and even I forced myself to look up when I heard the teacher talking. 

"Introduce yourself, then take a seat," the older man said and dismissively flicked his wrist.  
I saw how the blond boy with eyes that perfectly resembled the ocean was getting a little nervous; a new student, it was understandable. 

Little did I know that this student would have changed my life. 

"W-well... my name's Armin and... I'm from Shiganshina." The blonde mumbled and I wasn't even sure if the last row could hear him. His voice was really small. 

Poor boy, I just hoped he would survive that class. But if I did, this Armin will do just fine. 

Mindlessly, I lowered my gaze to the book in front of me again and just worked on the tasks we got. They won't finish themselves, after all. 

A few moments later, I felt a presence next to me and looked up again to see that the blond coconut head took a seat next to me. 

Wait, wait- what was he even doing next to me? Nobody ever sat next to me voluntarily and there were plenty empty seats- and that smile? It almost blinded me with the innocence it gleamed, but I couldn't look away either. 

It made me smile too, and for this small second, my smile was genuine. 

But bad things don't take long to come, and I soon found another pen being thrown against the back of my head. 

"Stop gawking and get that work done already, shitty glasses. We don't have all day!" The voice belonged to nobody else but Levi. The one who I once thought was my friend, but at the end, it turned out he was just like everyone else. Even worse, actually. But that was another story. 

I gave him a small nod and pulled my eyes away from Armin who in return gave me a worried look. 

"Are you alright?" His voice sounded so sincere and was filled with genuine worry, but it probably was only because he was the new one, he needed to find friends and probably thought I was the right one. Hah. That almost made me laugh. 

I nodded again, gave the boy a smile and mumbled a small "I'm fine" as I put my focus back on work to distract myself. 

I heard Armin sighing and I could swear he was about to get up and say something. But he didn't and just opened his book to work as well. I couldn't even blame him. I didn't expect anything else either. 

The stories about me would soon find their way to him and once they did, Armin would hang out with the cool kids. Or maybe with the quieter ones, he didn't seem to be very talkative. 

The lesson passed with silence between us and neither of us making any further attempts for interaction. It was fine. 

Just before the bell rang, Levi took the notes I worked on and put his name on them to hand them to the teacher before he and his group of friends left the classroom but not before sending me a death glare. As if I did something wrong. 

I left the room just a few minutes later and to my surprise, that blond boy followed me out. 

I gave him one of these big fake smiles I always had and he seemed to buy it, "Is something wrong?"

Armin shook his head as his hand found it's way to his long, golden hair, "No, not really. I just thought... maybe we... I mean you- would you like to eat lunch together?"

The smile he gave me was a genuine one, and he seemed to really mean it. This boy was keeping me surprised, but again, he was the new one. Of course he would do this. Everyone would. 

I just shook my head, the smile not leaving my lips, "I have a lot of work to do for my classes. I'm sorry. Maybe another day." Of course, that day wouldn't come. 

The blond seemed sad about the answer he got but I was sure he would have found friends easily. He was kind of cute and kind, he was helpful and that was probably what would be his biggest fault some day if he met the wrong people. 

In this school, the weak ones didn't survive long and for some reason I did not want Armin to be one of the weaker ones, probably because I knew best how it was myself, but also because he wasn't like everyone else. 

The rest of the day consisted of me trying to avoid any conversation with my beloved classmates and eating lunch in the janitor room again, just to be alone. Luckily, this time I wasn't caught. I figured the smell of cleaning supplies was a soothing one, for me, at least, so I liked that. 

As the day finally came to an end, and my classmates had some more fun with spilling a milkshake all over my head after I was pushed to the floor and had something to laugh about for the rest of the day, I could finally go home. 

Ah, home sweet home... I couldn't even say it was better there, I didn't know how home was. It was just... a place I could be alone. An empty place. 

After entering the familiar environment with that deathly silence that emptied every room, I let my bag fall on the floor next to the small commode at the door and headed to the bathroom. 

There were still remains of that milkshake in my hair, so I definitely needed a shower. 

Standing under the water for a long while and letting it wash away all your worries was a good feeling. But it didn't always work how it was supposed to, and I still had that uneasiness going through my veins after I was dried and dressed again. 

And there was only one thing that helped me now, one small thing that let the pain fade for a few moments. Just a few seconds of peace, it wasn't too much to ask for, was it? 

They were put in a safe spot. A small box, not bigger than one for rings; you know, the one people propose with? That was where I kept them in. 

Safe. 

I lifted my mattress and reached out to the deepest corner as my fingers found the box and pulled it out. 

I knew what I did was not right. I knew it was not healthy. I knew that was no solution. But you should know that there simply was no other way for me. It wasn't even my fault. It was yours. It always was yours. But you didn't see it. 

It didn't take long for me to grab one of the shimmering metal blades and roll up my sleeves, where scars of old times covered my forearms. 

Yeah, it definitely wasn't the first time. 

It started in eighth grade, I think. Somewhere around there where all this shit started with my classmates being a pain in the ass. I didn't even remember clearly. 

I placed the cold metal on my skin and made the first cut without flinching a bit, it was as if I was already numb to the pain. 

I watched how perfectly formed droplets of blood arose and soon ran down my hand and dripped to the floor. 

I made another cut, let the metal dance over my skin as if it was the most normal thing to do. Which, for me, was true. 

My eyes closed and a slow breath escaped my lips. This already made me feel a lot better, a whole fucking lot better. 

Two cuts were probably enough, compared to other days this was quite a good one, so I cleaned the small miracle between my fingers and put it back into the small box. 

Only when my eyes met the floor, I noticed that I've stained the floor red again. 

Definitely not the first time either. 

So, I got up and grabbed the towel I dried my hair with to place it over my arm and walked into the bathroom. 

After dabbing away some blood, I finally wrapped bandages around my both forearms again, like I did every evening. 

Out of sight, out of mind. 

Nobody needed to know what happened when I was alone, and nobody questioned me either why I was wearing long sleeved shirts when it was burning hot outside. 

I was fine with that. They didn't care. It should stay like that. 

The bathroom got cleaned, my room got cleaned, the box got hidden, and it seemed like nothing happened at all. 

No blood was spilled, no blade was seen. 

Soon, I found myself on my bed and curled up there, closing my eyes even though I was aware of the fact that I wouldn't sleep yet. My mind was full with so many things. 

Usually, these things consisted of the bad shit that happened to me that day. But for some reason, all I could think of was one person. 

Armin. 

I didn't even know why, but he stayed in my head no matter how much I tried to shake it off. 

He was kind to me, he gave me the feeling that there was one person who cared about me. Who gave a damn about me and asked me if I was alright even if I certainly wasn't. But that couldn't be true, wouldn't be true. 

Armin was the new one. He was searching for friends so he took the first opportunity that was given to him. But I wasn't going to let this happen, because I wasn't going to pull someone like Armin into the dark hole I digged for myself years ago. 

He didn't deserve it. He should be happy, should have friends- good friends. Not me. Never me. Nobody wanted me. And nobody would ever want either. Not even Armin. 

I only realized later, but this night was the first one I had fallen asleep without crying. Why? I had no idea, and if I was being honest; it scared me a little. Things were feeling different now, and somehow, I couldn't cope with this new different yet. It was too much, but it wasn't in my control. 

Everything will be as it was intended. You can change your fate. 

I kept telling that myself every night to gain energy for the next day. 

However, I could sleep for a few hours before I got shaken awake by reality again the next morning. 

The next journey in Satan's hell was awaiting me. 

And I wasn't ready. Like I never was.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking to school was the first conflict I had to handle every day, especially since Levi didn't live far away from my house. Whenever I could, I tried to go to school earlier so I wouldn't have had to meet him, but unfortunately, he almost always caught me on his way and began his bullshit. I wouldn't have minded, really, if it wasn't for how broken and fragile I already was thanks to him. 

"Oi, shitty glasses." He called out but I tried my best to ignore him and keep walking, that was until I felt someone pulling me back by my hair and I shut my eyes in pain. I didn't want to make any noise, I knew that was only what he wanted. 

"Why don't you answer if you're being called?" His voice was so deep and cold that it sent shivers down my spine, fear already welling up in me. "I-I just-" But he gave me no chance to explain and I already fell to the floor. I could barely realize but I could tell without a doubt that was Levi slapping me again. My cheek was throbbing and I felt tears in my eyes but I tried to keep them in, I didn't want to cry in front of others. 

"Next time when I call you, you answer me, bitch." The coldness and carelessness in his voice hurt, the way he treated me hurt. But after all, it was my own fault it came this far. I was naive in this cruel, dark world, and this was my punishment. 

Levi just left me on the ground and continued his way to school without any care in the world or any explanation for why he called me in the first place. He didn't even look back once to see if I got up or not. This bastard. 

I made sure that Levi was out of sight before I slowly got up to my shaky feet. Deep breaths... Calm down. I couldn't let people see me like that, it would show them how weak I was, although I wasn't weak. I was strong. I was stronger than Levi, even, but nobody saw that. Not even I myself. 

Apart from some name-calling and pushing around, the walk to school was quiet when I soon found my seat in the classroom. It was early, only a few other students were already there, but nobody else caught my gaze other than a special blond. 

Armin gave me a smile which I automatically returned but I saw his smile turning into a sad frown just a second later. Did I do something wrong again? I couldn't know until he sat by my side and stared at my cheek- shit. 

I quickly covered it with my hand and gave him another smile, "I was reckless again. Walked directly into the door while I was too occupied with studying. It happens a lot." I tried to assure him and giggled a little to prove my point. I didn't want him to know the truth, he possibly would get mad, or even hit me as well. 

But instead of any rough touches, I felt his warm hand slowly lowering mine with so much gentleness, it almost scared me for what was about to come. He just looked at my cheek for a few seconds before looking back into my eyes. "I'll get you some ice." It surely wasn't so much of a big deal for someone to get you a stupid bag of ice, but why did it mean so much to me then? He didn't seem to buy my story about running into the door, certainly because the print on my cheek was clearly a hand, but he wasn't questioning me either which I highly appreciated. 

Armin came back a few minutes later and placed the bag with ice on my cheek, followed by my hand to hold it up. "There, it's going to feel better soon," He mumbled and offered me a smile before he turned around again to face the front of the class. In that moment, I felt so many things at once, but the biggest feeling I had was confusion. 

However, my focus was put back to the front when the teacher started the class and I could finally start the day with a real smile. Science was my favorite class, in case you didn't know. Although I was sure everyone knew. 

Class ended before I knew it and I had to admit, it made me a little sad, but it was bearable because I knew I could come to the laboratory whenever I wanted, even after school. It was a small privilege that was a blessing, but also a curse. 

I gathered my stuff and left the class for the break and again, I could feel that someone followed me out and was only waiting for me to notice them and talk to them. After thinking about it for a moment, I decided to face the other and smiled a little when I saw it was Armin- anyone else would have done anything already anyway, so it was kind of obvious. 

"You want to eat lunch together?" His tone was sweet and innocent, just like his smile, "My mom made my lunch today because she was home, maybe we can share?" He got out his lunchbox and I had to hold back a small laugh- it was covered with so many stickers of the ocean with waves and surfers and all that, which made Armin only sweeter than he already was. They were probably years old, that's how it looked like, at least. Not that it was a wrong thing. I found this boy amazing. 

But as amazing and sweet Armin was, as cold and rough was reality. "...I'm really busy, maybe another day," I murmured to him and I could swear I saw Armin's eyes fill with disappointment at my answer. Seeing him like that hurt me, but it wasn't like I had much of a choice. If people would see us together for too much, they would get wrong thoughts about the whole situation. His look made guilt build up inside me while I clenched my fist and digged my nails into my skin as deep as I could. Why did this affect me so much? He was like everyone else, but in a way, he was still different. 

Armin nodded and put his lunchbox back into his backpack again. "Alright," he almost whispered, "Another day, then. I'll see you in class." And with that, Armin walked pass me and I shut my eyes tightly, feeling how my fist had started to shake from how much I was pressuring it, and as soon as Armin was out of sight, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me towards the janitor room and locked myself in there, taking deep breaths. 

Armin was just one of them, he was going to hurt me, use me, break me like everyone else did. But why did I have this safe feeling around him? Something told me everything would be fine if I would stay with him, but on the other side, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted it. The fear of being used again almost made me go insane, made me distrust simply everyone, made me feel lonely in a school overflowing with students. 

I ended up crying to myself in there, my thoughts were ripping me apart and I simply had no idea what to think or what to do. My chest felt so tight, breathing suddenly was the most difficult thing to do, and the only thing I clung to was the tiny hope that Armin wouldn't turn out to be someone like Levi. He wouldn't, wound he? But then again, I once thought the same about Levi, and this was where this got me. I wanted to believe it so bad, wanted to believe that once in my life I had the chance to have a friend, a true friend, but my doubts and fears were holding me back and trusting others was so hard. 

At some point, the janitor came and kicked me out of his room for the who knows how many times already. It seemed like no one in this school had any kind of understanding for a someone who was breaking down. Nobody gave a damn. They even liked it, I could tell. 

However, I stopped talking to Armin for a while, didn't look at him when he greeted me with a smile nor when he came to sit next to me. I think Armin noticed that something was wrong with me, but he never questioned me, never made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Armin was like an angel on earth and I was the devil; we couldn't fit together, not as friends, not as lovers, not as anything. 

But even though I stopped talking to him, Armin still took a seat next to me every other day, he still smiled at me even though I never looked at him, he told me stories of his childhood and talked about the ocean which he loved really much, accompanied me to the laboratory when we had free time, he still seemed to care for me and I couldn't see why. Did he want something? He didn't look like he needed anything from me, but I wouldn't exclude this possibility completely. 

That's how it went from there for the next month or so; I did the work for Levi and his friends, I got hit, they made fun of me, I ended up cutting myself every night, I didn't interact with Armin but he kept trying to be close and I slowly started believing that he really wanted to be my friend and started to like his presence. 

One day, I was sitting in the janitor room again and ate my food in silence until there was a knock on the door and I tensed. Who knocks on the door of the janitor room to begin with? I got a little scared first but as soon as I saw a familiar blond peeking inside, I felt a little more at ease. At least I wouldn't get kicked out and at least it wasn't someone who would make fun of me, hopefully. 

Armin stepped inside and closed the door behind him again as he turned to face me and surprised me with his simple question. "Do you want to eat lunch together?" It wasn't a question with much meaning behind it, just eating lunch together, but for me, it meant so much. And for the first time since he asked me this, I agreed hesitantly and looked back down. He surely thought I was weird now, eating in the janitor room, but this thought was thrown away when he sat down on the floor next to me. It was a small room, so our bodies were really close to each other and were even touching each other. I noticed a small blush on his cheeks, but I shrugged it off. It was probably because of the smell of the cleaning products that filled the air, or maybe it was just warm. Whatever. 

He got out his lunchbox and I smiled a little when I saw these silly stickers again, this boy was just amazing and his love for the ocean made me curious. He opened the box and the smell of freshly cooked food filled the room what made me look away from him quickly. He had someone to make him food, good, tasty food, while I sat there with a single sandwich to fill my stomach for the whole day. 

"Here, we can share, my mom makes too much food for me anyway." Before I even could decline his offer, he already put half of the food on the lid of the box and gave it to me with a smile. I hesitated, but eventually took the food from him and looked down at it. It looked so good, it smelled so well, and it tasted better than anything I ate in the last weeks. I teared up and slowly looked up at Armin again who gave me nothing but a reassuring smile. It was like he understood me without having to hear any explanation. I sniffled and slowly looked down again as I ate the rest of the food and felt one of Armin's hands slowly and very gently wiping away my tears. "It's okay," He whispered to me and I gave a single nod. 

We both finished eating a few minutes later and I felt full for the first time since so long, it was such a wonderful feeling, but it was even better because it was Armin that sat by my side. "Thank you... Thank you so much..." My voice was so quiet, I couldn't even tell if Armin heard me, but when I felt his arm around me, I was sure he did. His embrace was comfortable and full of warmth, and I felt myself melting in his arms. I carefully rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. God, I would give anything to just stay like that forever, I felt safe for once, I felt protected. And I could tell Armin enjoyed this just as much as I did. 

But reality hit us like a truck when the door opened and I heard others laughing and saying things I couldn't quite understand. I startled, got up quickly and gave Armin an apologetic look before I made my way out of there and through the people that stood in my way and pushed me around. "Why don't you mind your own business?! He has done nothing to any of you!" It was sweet that Armin tried to defend me but... 'he'? He thought I was a boy? Wow... I knew I wasn't the most feminine girl, but did I really look like a boy? It made the others laugh only more and me shrink even smaller to myself. Luckily, I managed to escape from the crowd and hide in the school garden behind a bush where I stared down at myself. 

I couldn't even blame him for thinking this; my chest was flat, my body really thin, there weren't any signs of me being a girl, if I was being honest, beside the biological ones that weren't visible through clothes, obviously. Maybe Armin was gay and that was the reason he treated me the way he did, maybe he thought I was a gay boy too and us hugging was confirmation for him. I felt so bad for him because once he knew the truth, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I knew it. It was just a dream that was too good to come true. 

Armin couldn't be found anywhere for the rest of the day. I wanted to apologize to him for not telling him before but I guess the others took him and I was scared. I didn't know what could happen to him, he wouldn't get hit if he didn't say anything wrong, and I prayed that he wouldn't because I didn't want him to get hurt in any way. 

For the next two days I stayed at home, it was too much for me to go back there so soon and I needed to get projects done anyway. Not only my project; three, in fact, but I had no right to complain. I just took it as it was and dealt with it by my own since that was what I always did. Also, this helped me a little to forget about what happened between me and Armin. He surely hated me now. 

Some time around the day, I heard someone ringing the bell at my door and got confused- nobody came besides my aunt. But my aunt only came at the weekends in the morning to check on me and leave again. So, who was it at the door now? 

I got up from the floor and walked to the door to open it and widened my eyes when I saw who it was. "A-Armin..? What are you doing here?" I got so confused and frowned a little when I saw that Armin had a black eye. So he got hurt because of me. Ugh. But Armin simply smiled when he saw me and reached out for his lunchbox which he held in front of him. 

"Do you want to eat lunch together?" His way of asking this so carelessly was hitting my heart every time. How could he still want to eat lunch with me? The others definitely told him everything about me, every small detail, so... why? I didn't understand, he was confusing me so much. "I'm busy now, sorry." It wasn't very pleasant to tell him that, but I didn't want him to waste his time with me. 

I wanted to close the door but Armin held the door open and gave me a look that broke my heart only more, "...Please?" It was the first time he stopped me from pushing him back, he looked so determined and I knew that eating lunch together wasn't the only reason he came. Without a word, I opened the door a little more and stepped aside so he could enter my apartment before I closed the door behind him slowly. 

My apartment was a mess, it never really was tidy or clean because I never felt the urge to take care of that. I had other things to do, like finishing my classmate's work since there wasn't much time left. "I like it here, it's cozy." I couldn't really believe his comment about my home being cozy but if he thought that I would let him keep the thought. Better than calling it a mess like everyone else did. 

"The kitchen is-" I pointed at the kitchen but he stopped me before I could even finish my sentence. "I would like to eat in your room, if that's okay." My mind said no but his smile made me nod and so I lead him to my room which was the biggest mess. "I'll go and make some food for-" But again, he stopped me and pulled out a second lunchbox. "No need to, my mom made food for the both of us." 

To be honest, I didn't know if I should be thankful that Armin's mother made food for me, or if I should be ashamed because... Armin's mother made food for me. It was a little of both but I definitely felt a lot more ashamed and felt like a bother to him and his family. "Please take it, it would be a shame to let food go to waste." His voice was sincere, his smile held honesty, his actions were genuine, and I couldn't but nod and take the food from him. The box was still warm and I enjoyed the feeling of the warm metal on my hands but something still bothered me. 

"...Why are you here?" I asked directly because sugarcoating it wouldn't bring me anywhere. I wanted to know and I wanted him to make himself clear. But I didn't face him, I was too scared to see his face turning into one of disgust and pity. After all, I wasn't worth trouble. If he wanted to leave, he could do so whenever he liked. 

"Because," He started and my breath hitched when I felt his hand taking mine, his other one gingerly holding my chin and lifting my face so I was forced to look at him. "Because you deserve happiness, Hanji. I don't care what others think of you. What they did was wrong, it was and always will be wrong, and they are going to pay the price for doing such cruel things to you. But trust me when I tell you, you deserve happiness." So he found out what Levi did and still was sitting there? He wasn't disgusted by me? After what Levi did, he still held my hands so gently and looked at me the same way he did the very first day we met? I couldn't understand. 

My eyes teared up and my hands shook, but Armin just rubbed his thumbs over the back of my hands in attempts to get me calm again. "Hanji," he breathed and leaned closer to rest his forehead against mine, "Levi can get in prison for what he did, you don't have to bear this, you don't have to accept all this. You don't, you hear me?" 

Levi... he didn't only rape me when I was fifteen, he even made me pregnant, and forced me to abort the child as soon as he found out. I had no choice but do as told and was left as the heap of despair I always was. I had nobody to help me, nobody to stay by my side and support me after what happened, Levi even got rougher after that and hit me more regularly. I thought I have found my true love back then, but I was a naive teen that watched too many movies and read too many books. 

My gaze was glued to my lap all the time but Armin kept his eyes on mine, his hands in mine, his head against mine. I felt like breaking down again but I didn't want to sob and look pitiful. It was two years ago, I should have dealt with it already, right? Although I didn't sob, I still cried and squeezed Armin's hands because the memories of that time were deep and still hurt. They hurt a damn lot. And Armin felt it when he pulled me closer for a hug which I returned without giving it too much thought. 

"Shh... everything's fine now..." His whispers were doing wonders and the hand that gently massaged my scalp indeed helped me to get calmer. I clung to his shirt and let it all out because I knew there was someone to help me up if I fell. "Just know that you deserve to be happy as well. You're strong, so strong, but you don't have to be strong always. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you. That's a promise." He rested his head against mine and I soon found myself on his lap just because I needed someone to hug and hold, and in return, Armin was holding me just as close as I did and whispered small things to me in attempts to make me stop crying. 

Don't ask me for how long we've been in that position, because I had no idea. It could have been minutes, or hours, but I was sure of one thing; Armin wasn't bothered by my emotional breakdown. He was there to help me, he always was, and I couldn't have been more thankful ever in my life. 

"I care about you, you mean a lot to me, Hanji." He was the one to break the silence and I slowly pulled back so I was able to look at him, giving him a few nods when he reached up to wipe away the last remains of my tears. His hands moved down again and grabbed mine as he brought them up, "Promise me... you won't do this again." His voice was smaller, more fragile this time and I was confused until I noticed that I was only wearing a tank top and my badages were exposed to him. I cursed myself mentally and looked away from him again because I felt ashamed that he found out. 

But again, his hand gently made me look back at him and a small smile curled on his lips, "Try it, okay? I won't force you, I'm here for you whenever you need me, I'll help you but you need to let me help, okay?" I only gave a silent nod but I didn't know if I could have stopped what I've been doing for years. I agreed to trying because I didn't want to disappoint Armin even more than I already did, but I still was insecure. 

Armin seemed to be content with my answer and happy that I would have tried it at least, and seeing him be happy helped me being a little happier as well. I slowly let my head rest on his shoulder again as I wrapped my arms around his body and cuddled close to him, almost like a child that searched for attention and comfort and warmth. His arms wrapped around me in return and gave me this safe and protected feeling again. 

Soon, I felt his lips against my forehead and my eyes shot open immediately. When I tried to pull back from him, he tightened his grip on me a little and I carefully leaned back against him, a small blush arose on my cheeks. It felt good to be with him, it was comfortable and warm; a happy place, my happy place. "...I like you a lot." He whispered to me and all I could do was nodding. 

I liked him too, a lot, but I wasn't sure if it was or could be in the same way he did. I didn't want to say something wrong or make the wrong decision again. I didn't know if liking someone this way would only end bad again, but with Armin I felt like everything that came from him was always genuine and honest, he never lied nor tried to hurt me in any way. He was the one to help me, to defend me, to care for me, to give me love and comfort and support. 

I had no idea what I would have done if I wouldn't have had him. He liked someone like me, he took care of the broken mess I was, he was always there for me, he never expected me to work for him, never raised his voice nor hand. He treated me like nobody else did before. 

Because Armin treated me like a human, not an ignominy.


	3. Chapter 3

Armin’s arms were like heaven on earth, they kept me warm and kept me safe for almost an hour where we just sat there in silence. One of his hands was playing with my hair, which I enjoyed really much, while his other one stayed supportively on my back. It could have been because he feared I might pull back any minute, but I didn’t and just cuddled closer to him while we let the time pass in peace. 

I almost fell asleep in his arms, wasn’t there the sound of the front door opening and footsteps entering my apartment. It obviously scared me- I knew of nobody who had my keys, and it sounded like there were many people, so who came? I could feel that Armin tensed up as well, his grip had tightened on me and even more when a very familiar voice spoke up. 

“Oi, shitty glasses, you’re living high up to your name, huh? You like it when boys come to you, don’t you, little bitch?” I heard two or three other people chuckling at his words and my body began trembling in pure fear. I clung to Armin as tight as I could, he was the only one who could help me, I thought. But Armin wasn’t particularly strong, especially not against Levi and his friends, and that was what scared me even more. 

It didn’t take long until Levi kicked my door open and I squirmed, tears already welling in my eyes when I saw him and two others entering. Of course, they were his best friends and people who helped him to do his shit. They were like dogs, always listening to everything he said, it was almost pitiful. 

“Get lost or I’ll call the police.” Armin spoke up for the both of us and I was thankful he did because I didn’t get out a single word. But all he got in return were laughter from the two taller boys, Erwin and Mike. “You won’t call the police. And if you do what we tell you, we might as well go easy on your poor ass.” Levi’s words didn’t seem to have any affect on Armin because he still looked so determined to protect me from whatever was coming. 

But before Armin could say anything back, Erwin came and forcefully pulled him away from the bed, leaving me back without anything to protect me or anything for me to hold onto. I felt so cold suddenly and my face dropped when I saw Erwin throwing a punch at Armin’s face, making him fall to the floor. My eyes were wide and I gasped as he looked back at Levi and finally spoke, begged him. “H-he has no..nothing to do with this! Leave him out, p-please... I-I-“ Erwin kicked the blond’s stomach which made him cough up and before I knew it Levi grabbed my hair roughly and turned my head to face Armin on the floor. 

“He wouldn’t have gotten into this if you just did your damned job. Maybe I need to make sure you won’t forget what your job is? Both of you, of course.” The smirk that grew on his lips was disgusting but it scared the crap out of me. Armin would get hurt now only because I let him come in, because I needed a friend. That wasn’t fair, not at all, but who were I to be able to do anything about it? I was too weak in every way, Armin was physically too weak, and Levi and his friends were strong. We had no chance, not in any imaginable way. 

Erwin pulled Armin up by his hair and I could see there was blood dripping from his mouth and nose, my heart broke but Armin didn’t look like he was about to give up anytime soon. Even if Erwin and Mike were huge, it didn’t seem to scare him. They took the chair that was at my desk and forced Armin to sit down as they got tape from my drawer and tied him to the chair. His arms, his legs, his chest, everything was taped to the chair and they even put one over his mouth so he would stop screaming and yelling around. 

It hurt to see him like that and I wanted to help him so bad but all I could do was watching how Erwin and Mike were punching his face and guts, yet Armin still didn’t give up. Levi soon forced me to look back at him again, “Now I’ll take care of you.” And with that, he pushed me down to the bed and undressed me, almost ripping the clothes off my body while I cried and tried to stop him from doing so, to no avail. Armin’s muffled screams were getting louder and my cries got harder when we both understood what Levi was about to do. 

The raven undressed himself as well and was soon hovering over me while his hands grabbed my wrists and pinned them down against the bed. “It’s Friday and I wanted to have some fun anyway. Now I’ll have double the fun I was planning to get for the price of one!” He sounded so proud of what he was doing and totally ignored how the both of us begged him to stop. 

Erwin and Mike forced Armin’s gaze into my and Levi’s direction as one of Levi’s hands started to trail over my skin and groped me everywhere. I tried to shove him away but his other hand only tightened the grip on both of my wrists and caused more pain and my bandages to soak with blood, mainly thanks to the fresh cuts that were there. Armin struggled to get free but every time he did so, he got punched and forced to look at us again. 

I felt so ashamed, so small, so weak, I felt like this was the end. I... I couldn’t even put it in words how I felt, it was like breaking a vase that was just starting to be fixed. I really thought with Armin by my side, there was some kind of safety, but I was so wrong, I never was more wrong in my life. There was nothing and nobody to protect me from Levi and his friends, even Armin was in this mess thanks to me. 

Levi’s touch was rough and definitely would leave bruises everywhere, not that he cared. He got closer to my neck and started biting me, even drew blood at some places. His hips moved closer to me and I felt his hard member rubbing against me. I tried it again, trying to beg him to stop but Levi just smirked and without any warning thrusted himself inside of me. I cried out and screamed in pain until his lips met mine and he kissed me to make me shut up. I didn’t return the kiss and tried to pull away from him but every time I did anything, he only pushed himself deeper inside, doubtlessly with the intention to hurt me even more. 

His friends only laughed, Armin screamed and even cried, I think it was because he couldn’t do anything to stop them and had to watch this. The wooden chair was jumping with him while his screaming and struggling got interrupted by a punch every now and then. I didn’t feel bad for me, I felt bad because, after all, Armin was pulled into this mess that was called my life although I tried to not pull him with me. Of course, Levi was hurting me, but it hurt even more to hear these painful noises coming from Armin, to have him being beaten up because of a piece of shit like me. 

“You know, I don’t think you would still remember my words if I leave later, so you will get a permanent remembrance, just because I’m in a good mood today.” In the meantime, I stopped making any sounds and just shut my eyes in hopes it would be done soon and I could be alone again. “So, to let you remember that you need to do your job when I tell you to do so, I’ll leave a small present for you. Maybe this will make you understand one day.” At first, I didn’t understand what Levi could mean but a moment later, my eyes shot wide open as I stared up at him with disbelief and fear, even Armin froze for a moment before he pulled even stronger on the chair in attempts to get free, to no avail. 

“P-please... no, Levi, I-I beg you, no... d-don’t... I w-will do everything b-but-“ My voice was shaking so much just like the rest of my body, my eyes were red and sore from the amount of crying I did, but Levi just shook his head with a small laugh. “It’s your own fault. Now it’s my turn to teach you.” 

Levi moved faster and faster, forced moans passed my lips which were followed by sobs and cries and were accompanied by Armin’s poor attempts to get free. He soon buried himself deep inside me and I felt him coming as I shut my eyes tightly. “You will keep my present, and you will take care of my present, because if you don’t, you will never find out where your beloved father is.” 

My heart skipped a beat when Levi mentioned my father- I haven’t seen him for over seven years. One day, he was just gone and I never saw him again- and Levi knew where he was? I remembered my father being a strong and wise man, he always cared for me and mom but two years before mom died, he disappeared and was never to be found since then. I tried to find him, but I couldn’t. Levi was giving me the opportunity to find him? To have a parent again? It was a tiny speck of hope in my desperate state and I would have done simply anything to get my father back, to get my family back, to have someone by my side again, I longed for it so much. 

So, I reluctantly nodded at his answer which earned me another loud but muffled scream from Armin. He probably wanted to tell me to not accept that, that it was stupid, but he had no idea how it was to grow up without anyone to look after you. I needed my father so bad, and if I really could get him back, I would have to accept Levi’s revolting deal, no matter what this would have made me. I was a bitch for everyone anyway, this wouldn’t have made much difference, I thought so. 

I stopped struggling at some point and let Levi continue his work for as long as he wanted to. I believed so bad that once I had my father by my side again, everything would be easier and my life would get better. Armin, on the other hand, continued to try to get free even if it was clear he wouldn’t. They couldn’t break his mind no matter how many times they punched him, he didn’t stop screaming and fighting. 

It took a while, but Levi eventually pulled out of me and groped my breasts one last time. “It’s been a pleasure to work with you, but there are way better ones.” His tone was mocking but I didn’t pay to much attention to him and just turned around to face my back to them while Levi was getting dressed. He was getting praises from his friends which didn’t surprise me at all. “And if anyone knows about this, you know what will happen.” I felt him glaring into my direction and simply nodded. 

“Same for you, blondie. She can tell you what will happen if you don’t shut up, so you better be a good boy and forget everything in here, yeah?” He patted Armin’s head mockingly and after some more chatting about how good Levi was doing, they finally left my apartment again. 

It was only me and Armin after that; me, who got raped and left naked on the bed, and Armin, who got beaten up and tied to a chair while being forced to watch the whole act. I wasn’t able to face him, I couldn’t and wouldn’t. After a few silent minutes, I started crying again and curled up on my bed. It was so much, I wasn’t able to take all this. It just... I didn’t even know. I always have been pitiful, but this was definitely the top of the top. I clung so bad to the small hope of getting my father back that I let Levi do such things to me. I was a shame of my self, a pity, a poor excuse of a human being. I didn’t even deserve to live. But it was worth it because I would get my father back. 

It didn’t take long until I heard the noise of wood being pushed against the floor and peeked over my shoulder to see Armin trying to move closer to me with the chair. He tried to talk, but his voice was still muffled thanks to the tape over his mouth so I didn’t really understand anything. He stopped when I looked at him for longer than two seconds and was quiet since then. The silence filled the room again between us, but in that moment, it wasn’t pleasant or peaceful at all. 

It took me a while and after what felt like hours, but was just a bit longer than thirty minutes, I wrapped myself into my blanket and slowly sat up, ignoring the growing pain in my abdomen. Sitting hurt, laying hurt, everything hurt. I didn’t have much of a choice. I looked up but never into his eyes and slowly reached out to pull the tape off of Armin’s mouth, careful since his face was covered with so many bruises and so bad swelling, I barely dared to touch him. To be honest, I expected him to start talking as soon as he was able to again, but he stayed quiet until I freed one of his arms and he took care of the rest by his own. 

He looked bad, really bad, the once so sweet and cute face was now covered in ugly bruises, his arms and legs were sore from how much he tried to pull away from the chair. Armin sat there for a few moments longer before he got up and hugged me close to his chest, his hand gently massaging my scalp again just like he did a while ago. I couldn’t but tear up all over again and cry against his chest while one hand gripped his shirt to keep him close, just for the selfish reason that I needed support. 

We stayed like that without anyone losing a word, and it was better like that, I didn’t want to talk and was glad that Armin didn’t either. All he did was holding me and standing there while I cried and held him with all strength I had left. He had to pull back from me at some point and I ducked my head when he did. I heard him walking to my closet and coming back a few moments later with clothes in his arms which he placed on my lap. 

“Can you walk?” He asked me quietly and I sighed, slowly trying to stand but my legs gave up and I fell back onto the bed with a small groan. It hurt too much and I was too weak to stand by myself just yet. “...Can I pick you up?” He asked me instead. Even after what happened, he still was asking me if I was okay with that and okay with him picking me up. This boy was unbelievable, I expected him to be long gone once he was free again but instead he was there and cared for me. 

He waited for my nod and once I did so, he slowly picked me up and carried me over to the bathroom. I knew that Armin was weaker thanks to getting beaten up like that, but he still carried me and wanted to make sure I was okay before he even thought about himself. I never had something like this, and it felt weird, to be honest. Uncommon. 

In the bathroom, he slowly let me down to sit on the lid of the toilet while he went to fill the bathtub with warm water. While the tub was filling, I just looked down at my lap the whole time and didn’t say anything when Armin crouched by my side and took my hand to hold, lightly rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “...Do you think you can take a bath by yourself?” He whispered quietly with worry and concern in his voice. I understood he asked me all this because he probably didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable, but after what Levi did, I didn’t think Armin touching me would be much worse. 

With a small shake of my head, Armin gave me a nod in response and looked back down at our hands. His touch was so gentle, so ginger, as if he was caressing the head of a baby. I probably will never understand why, but I felt like Armin would be the only one who would have ever treated me well, and having this was more than enough for me. 

He only pulled back when the tub was filled with water and got up as he took the clothes from my lap and put them on a drawer next to the sink before he turned to me again. I breathed a few times before I slowly lowered the blanket that covered my body and Armin helped me up. Only when I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, I saw the extent of Levi’s work and had to look away again quickly. These hickies, the bruises on my breasts from his rough hands, the bite marks on my body; it would all stay there for a while, a long while. 

Once I finally sat in the water, I curled up and covered as much skin as I could, I didn’t want Armin to have to see these bruises. The rest of the time was quiet while I just sat there and Armin was carefully washing my hair and body. He didn’t touch me in my private places and I was mentally glad he didn’t do this at least. I didn’t unwrap my bandages on my arms, even though the cuts were bleeding and itching, that was the last thing I wanted Armin to see, so he didn’t touch me there either. He would be disgusted. 

I had to admit, I enjoyed the way Armin washed my hair a little, he didn’t pull it even once although my hair was a total mess. I didn’t like it that hands touched the rest of my body, but I guess it was necessary so I sucked it up. 

After I was cleaned, Armin unplugged the tub and helped me to stand again before he took a big towel and wrapped it around my body which I held close to myself. Armin waited for a moment again before he picked me up and got me out of the tub to stay next to the sink. I supported my weight on the sink while Armin helped me to get dry and dressed again. He picked a simple jogging pants and a tank top for me and I felt comfortable with having something covering my whole legs and abdomen, at least. 

As I was dressed, Armin picked me up again and carried me to the living room to let me sit on the couch there and I immediately pulled my knees up to my chest to hug myself and make myself as small as possible. “I’ll be right back, okay?” I gave a small nod and rested my head on my knees, closing my eyes while I heard Armin rummaging in some drawers and shelves. A few minutes later, he came back with a brush and a tie for my hair, and the first aid kit that was in the mirror closet in the bathroom before. 

He slowly reached out for my arm and I let him take it until I understood he wanted to take off my bandages and quickly pulled my hand back to myself, shaking my head quickly. “S-sorry...” He mumbled and instead took care of the bite marks that were on my shoulder, covering them with bandaids after disinfecting them. It stung a little, but it was okay. He then handed me a roll of bandages and turned around so his back was facing me. “You have to change them, I promise I won’t look, don’t worry.” 

I sighed quietly and hesitantly unwrapped the old bandages as I stared down at the scars that covered my arms. Some bled but it wasn’t something that needed to be stitched, luckily. After dabbing the blood away I wrapped the new ones around my arms and tapped Armin’s shoulder to tell him I was done. And he only then turned around, like he promised. 

When I slowly dared to look up to his face, I only then noticed how bad he really got hurt and immediately teared up. He didn’t deserve this, and I was the reason he was hurt this way. In a poor attempt to make this up to him, I took a piece of cotton with some disinfectant on it to clean his face from the blood and he let me do so, hissing a little here and there but he didn’t complain much. The right side of his face was the worst, that was where he got punched the most and so it was swollen the most. His skin was dark blue and purple and red... it broke my heart to see him like that. I also wrapped bandages around his wrists and even his ankles, the tape really did leave bad bruises but I didn’t think it was some that wouldn’t fade away again. 

After I thought I did a good job, I lowered my hands again and rested them on my lap while I looked back down. “Thank you.” He whispered as he got behind the couch and took the brush to take care of my hair. I let him do so and shut my eyes a few times when it hurt more but didn’t dare to make any noise. Instead of just tying it in a ponytail again, Armin braided my hair back and tied the end of it, like my mother used to do. I liked it to have my hair like this again, it has been a long while. 

“I’ll be right back, give me a minute, okay?” Again, all I did was nod at what he said and he disappeared in my room. Fifteen or twenty minutes later, he came out again and brought something to the washing machine before he went back to my room and came out again a moment later. I let my eyes close while he did all this and just listened to his footsteps in silence until I felt him beside me again and slowly opened my eyes. There was something in his hands and when I looked down, I noticed he got the lunchboxes from my room and looked back up at him, as if waiting for him to say something special and he understood after a moment. 

“Do you want to eat lunch together? Even though it isn’t lunchtime anymore.” He gave me a smile and I nodded like a small child. Armin helped me to focus on something else than what happened this day and I was so thankful for him to do something like that for me. Even if it was just for a few moments, these were enough to get my mood up a little. 

We sat in silence and ate the food Armin’s mother made for us. The food was amazing, not that I expected anything else, but I didn’t eat much simply because I wasn’t feeling hungry at all. Armin tried to bring me to eat as much as I could but he didn’t force anything on me and accepted it when I couldn’t eat anymore. “Is it okay with you if I stay here over the night? I’ll sleep on the floor, or the couch if you’re okay with it.” 

I thought about it for a few moments and ended up nodding- Armin didn’t seem to have any bad intentions with sleeping over, if he wanted to do something he probably would have already done it, so I trusted him enough to let him sleep there. Even if he planned on doing anything, it couldn’t be worse than Levi. I wouldn’t have liked it to be all alone this night either, I wouldn’t be able to take it if I was alone and I had no idea what I would’ve done to myself. 

Once Armin finished eating as well, he put the boxes in the kitchen and came back to pick me up. “Let’s go to sleep then, you need to rest.” He mumbled and carried me to my room where I saw that he had changed the covers of my bed and cleaned the floor and chair from the blood and whatever was there before, it was probably the best idea. He laid me down with care and gentleness and covered me with the blanket as he crouched down at the side of the bed, stroking my bangs back when he spoke, “I’ll take the couch. Sleep well.” He whispered and pressed his lips against my head for a moment or two before facing me again. After a small hesitation when he got up, I reached out for his sleeve and carefully tugged it. 

“C-can you stay here with m-me, please?” It was the first time I spoke up since Levi and the others were gone, and my voice was a little hoarse and weak, small and frail. Armin nodded and sat on his knees with his head resting on my bed while he looked confused at me when I gave his sleeve another careful tug. “...You mean next to you?” He whispered after a small while and I nodded very lightly. I needed him, needed to hold him and feel him close, feel safe for a moment even if it wouldn’t last long. He was the only one I could hold onto, the only one who would help me up, and the only one who wouldn’t judge me for anything that happened, that wouldn’t push me back down. 

Armin saw it with his own eyes, he saw what happened and didn’t only hear from it, but he was still there and treated me with so much gentleness. As if I was a porcelain doll that broke once it fell and he was the one holding me in his arms. He kept me close and tight, I felt that he wouldn’t let me fall and so I put a little bit more trust into him. 

Once Armin was next to me, I carefully rested my head on his chest and gripped his shirt. In return, he wrapped his arms around me and gave me this protected feeling again. It felt good, warm, comfortable, safe. “Th-thank you..” I whispered eventually and clung to him even more, while Armin moved closer and cautiously cuddled me. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, Hanji, and I will personally make sure you get it. I will fight till my last breath, I will stay by your side for as long as you want me to, even if I’m not the right one, I will do anything to see you happy.” He told me in a soft voice and all I did in return was moving even closer to him to the moment our legs entangled to be even closer to each other, giving a faint nod. 

The room filled with some silence again and I almost dozed off to sleep in Armin’s arms. Just when I was about to drift off, he spoke up again and made my heart skip a beat with his sentence. “...because I’m in love with you, Hanji,” and after that, none of us made any noise, nor moved. We stayed like that while I stared out of the window and watched the early night sky. 

These were words I never expected to hear, I couldn’t imagine someone feeling like that, but there I were, hearing the impossible. His voice sounded more genuine than ever and I just had to believe him because there was nothing about him that could have told me he lied. 

He loved me, and was on his way to make me fall in love with him too. But I couldn’t do this, it was too good and I was too insecure to believe it yet. I didn’t want to build my hopes up too high, it certainly wasn’t anything serious. 

The night passed in silence and I was so thankful that Armin didn’t lose a word about what happened, I felt like he understood what made me uncomfortable and so didn’t do these things. It almost was as if nothing happened at all. Almost.


	4. Chapter 4

Ever since that day, Armin never left me alone anymore. We went to school together, we sat together, he brought me home and even stayed until it was late at night. Sometimes he slept over and we cuddled until we both fell asleep. When Armin was with me, I put all my focus on him and distracted myself from everything. But when I was alone, I ended up cutting again. It helped me, I wasn’t going to lie. Armin was a huge help, but what happened couldn’t just be pushed aside from one day to the other. 

Levi and his stupid friends didn’t stop messing with me after that and sometimes even pulled Armin into this as well, even though I tried so bad to not let Armin feel bad with what they were doing. He seemed to deal with it better than I did and, in a way, I almost envied him for being so strong. In the meantime, the bruises on his face faded again and his face was back to the sweet and cute state it was before. Whenever he smiled at me, I felt my body heating up and I just had to return every single one of the smiles he gave me. With Armin, I felt comfortable. 

But as days and weeks passed, I felt more and more nauseous and dizzy, weak. I had to rush to the bathroom almost every morning to throw up. Of course, I knew what was the reason for that, but I just didn’t want it to be true. I took three tests, just to be sure. And they were all positive. Armin found out after he slept over once, but even then he stayed with me. He made sure to call me every night when he left to his own home and we talked for hours, although it was Armin who spoke for most of the time. There wasn’t much I had to say other than being sorry for pulling him into this, but he kept repeating that he loved me and would protect me which silenced me immediately. He was just unbelievable, and way too good for me. 

One day I was alone at home, Armin had left to go home and I sat on my bed while staring down at my stomach. There was already a small bump but I made sure to cover it with wide clothes when I went to school or outside. I was only in my first month or two, it didn’t grow that much, luckily. But whenever I looked at my stomach, I couldn’t but tear up all over again, the memories of that day hit me really bad. I had my small box next to me on the bed and a blade already between my fingers. Yeah, I told Armin I would try to stop, but I couldn’t if I was alone. 

I put the blade on my skin and was about to make the first cut until I got startled by the ringing of my phone and pulled it away again. It was no one but Armin, which didn’t surprise me at all, but rather made me smile for a moment. So, I picked up. “Hey, Armin.” There came a small laugh from the other side of the phone, followed by a chirpy “Hey!” This boy was too adorable. 

“Do you feel alright? Is everything okay?” The way he was always so worried made my heart melt and I nodded like an idiot on the phone. “Mhm! Everything is okay now.” Having Armin on the phone certainly wasn’t the same like having him by my side, but it was the best I could get and I had no right to complain. 

“What are you doing?” I looked down at the blade when he asked that and quickly put it back into the box. “A-ahm... Nothing in particular, I was just... laying in bed.” Armin just hummed in response and I felt bad for lying, but I didn’t want him to be disappointed. 

After putting the small box away, I laid down for real and wrapped myself into the blanket. “Did you eat the food I brought you? Are you drinking enough?” I felt even worse, because the food Armin’s mother made for me and the bottle of water that stood on my desk were still untouched. I didn’t answer his question but it seemed like that was answer enough for him. “C’mon, get up and eat, even if it’s only a little. Your body needs food. Eat it for me, okay?”

A moment later, I forced myself out of bed and sat at my desk while I ate some of the food and only then realized how hungry I really was. I ended up eating everything and leaned back into the chair with a small sigh. “I ate it all...” It was barely a whisper, but I could tell from Armin’s voice that it made him happy. “I’m so proud of you, my love! You’re doing so well.” Luckily he wasn’t there so he didn’t see me blushing at the new nickname he gave me. It made me reflect everything and come to a simple conclusion. 

“Armin? I want to tell you something..” I was a little nervous to say it but I thought Armin deserved to know. “You can tell me whatever you want to.” He reassured me and I gave a small nod as I got up and went back to bed where I curled up again, it made it easier to say what I was about to say. “Armin, I... I love you.”

There was a silence and I grew anxious that I might have said something wrong. After all, it could be that Armin didn’t feel the same anymore or changed his mind. I teared up and was about to apologize and hang up until I heard the clapping of two hands and some low mumbling and shushing in the background. I could swear there was someone else with Armin in the room and hearing them mumbling like that didn’t help me feel better or less insecure at all. 

“I love you too.” His voice spoke softly and I exhaled shakingly, and this time I couldn’t really believe his words. It just... felt unreal, fake. I shut my eyes tightly as my body began trembling and tears found their way down my face. While I didn’t answer, there was some more mumbling behind the phone and it made me cry only more. “Hanji? Are you still there?” But I didn’t answer and quickly hung up and threw my phone away while I hid under the blanket and sobbed. 

Armin couldn’t really have told anyone about me, could he? The voices in the background talking sounded as if they were waiting for me to say it, as if they were planning it. I couldn’t tell if it was meant in a good or bad way, I was too agitated to think of any way this could be meant, but I knew I didn’t feel comfortable with the fact that someone heard us talking on the phone. 

My phone rang many times but I simply ignored it, I didn’t want to talk to him. I felt betrayed and lonely, for some reason. Even if I might be completely wrong, I felt like Armin and/or the person he talked to were doing something wrong to me. I didn’t know what to think, if I was overreacting or not, I just couldn’t tell. 

When I finally looked up again, I noticed my small box that was still on my bed and I quickly got up and grabbed one of the blades. I pulled up my sleeve and breathed heavily as I started cutting. One cut, two cuts, three, four; I stopped counting after there were more than ten. One for trusting him, one for talking with him, one for telling him I loved him, one for being an idiot, for being a bitch, for being stupid, for causing so much trouble, one for A, one for R, one for M, one for I, one for N. 

All I saw was blood, much blood that didn’t only cover my arms but also the rest of my body and my bed. The once white covers were now stained red but I couldn’t care less about anything. My hands were shaking heavily, my breathing uneasy, my body weak. I let go of the blade once I didn’t see any spot on my forearm that wasn’t covered by blood and cuts. I created a masterpiece but couldn’t admire it long enough and fainted before I knew it. 

When I woke up again, I found myself in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped around my arms and a blood transfusion that was hooked up on my arm. I blinked a few times, extremely confused since I had absolutely no idea how I got there, but when I looked to the side, I noticed Armin sitting there and holding my good hand. My gaze moved away from him quickly and when I tried to pull my hand away from him, he tightened his grip a little. 

“Hanji...” His voice sounded so fragile and weak, it broke my heart to hear him like that but my heart broke even more when I remembered what happened. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” He broke in tears and, me being me, I squeezed his hand and turned to face him. “A-Armin,” It was a whisper, but I was sure he heard me. When he then faced me and I saw his tear-stained face, my expression grew sadder. I tugged on his arm to motion him to come next to me on the bed, and once he did, I slowly rested my head on his chest and hugged him. He didn’t hesitate to hug me back and I shut my eyes tightly when he kissed my head. 

There was no way I understood even one thing that was happening, but I knew that I didn’t want to see Armin sad, no matter what I thought I heard, I just couldn’t watch him cry because of me. “I-it’s okay, Armin. I’m here... It’s.. okay...” I sighed and just held Armin in an attempt to let him calm down again. He helped me through so much, I had no right to scare him like that. He was allowed to do anything he wanted because he had every right to do so, unlike me. 

“I love you so much, Hanji. I love you... why did you do this?” Of course, I knew why I did it, but I could hardly tell Armin I cut myself because I thought I heard him talking to someone else. It sounded ridiculous, even I knew this much, it was stupid what I did, and it was stupid that I was still alive. “I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could tell him, though I didn’t expect him to forgive me. 

“Hanji, I beg you, never do this again. I don’t want to see you like that again, please. I... I don’t want you to die.” His whispers stabbed knives of guilt and pain to my heart and I just nodded while moving a little closer to him. I wanted to try, and failed so bad. I didn’t know if I could ever stop it or if it would only get worse, but when Armin wasn’t by my side, I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t endure the loneliness because my mind kept filling with the worst things that possibly weren’t even true or were in the past. 

My eyes stayed closed when I felt Armin’s hand slowly moving down to my belly and let it rest there while he very gently rubbed his thumb over my clothes. He touched my belly like that more often the last days, and I could tell that his tender touch was calming for the both of us. “I want our family to be healthy and happy.” He whispered to me and it was the first time he ever called this child ‘our’ family. Slowly, I dared to look up at him and took a breath before I spoke up, my voice small and insecure. “...O-our family?”

I saw Armin nodding and saw how the corners of his lips tugged up into a soft smile, “Our family. You, me, and our child. That’s our family.” When he said that, I couldn’t but tear up again. It was just something that I never would have believed to be true. I thought that with carrying Levi’s child, nobody would ever want me in this way, yet there was Armin who surprised me all over again every day. 

Armin’s eyes were almost sparkling at me when I slowly leaned closer to him and hesitantly connected our lips in a kiss which Armin returned, his hand staying on my belly. The kiss was filled with gentleness and tenderness, with love and care. It felt like our lips were meant for each other, they moved together so perfectly. When I pulled back, I looked into his eyes with a weak smile before resting my head on his shoulder and wrapping an arm and leg around him to cuddle him closer. “I love you, Hanji.” I nodded slowly and closed my eyes, it was just a huge misunderstanding and what I thought he did was only my imagination. “I love you too.” I whispered in return. 

Luckily, I was able to go home the next day already and Armin accompanied me back home. He took care of cleaning my room from the blood the morning before we left the hospital so there was nothing left that reminded me of that day other than the bandages around my arms and the memories in my head. 

Since then, Armin slept over every day, I felt like he didn’t want to leave me alone again, maybe he was scared I might end up killing myself one day. Not that anyone would have cared besides him. We just hugged each other and kept cuddling all the time, he made me eat and drink enough and since I didn’t want that child to die or suffer because I ate too little, I did as told and ate enough every day. This child had nothing to do with anything, they haven’t done anything wrong, so I had no right to hurt them in any way. 

It was a normal weekend and about afternoon, we just ate and laid in bed. I only then noticed that my belly had grown a little more and it should have been visible that I’m carrying a child. People surely were thinking I was irresponsible for being pregnant in the age of seventeen- well, I probably was, but if it meant even the tiniest hope of meeting my father again, I didn’t care. 

I looked down at Armin when he pulled my shirt up so my bump was exposed to him and watched as he placed a few kisses on my skin which made me smile. He treated my belly with so much gentleness and my heart melted every time he did so. “Hey there, little one.” It was so overly sweet whenever he started talking to the baby like that, his voice was so soft and full of love. “I’m so excited to see you, I can’t wait to finally hold you one day. I already love you so much, just like I love your mommy. I hope you’ll love us just as much as we do.” He pressed more kisses on my belly and I just watched him in silence, these were the little things that kept me going. 

I gasped and giggled a little when I felt my stomach moving a bit and felt something pressing against Armin’s hand. The smile Armin had was big and filled with happiness while he slowly leaned his hand against the movement as well. “I hope it’s a girl.” I got a little curious when Armin said that and ran my hand through his hair. “Why a girl?” I asked in return and heard Armin chuckling. “I want her to be just as beautiful as her mother. Not that a boy wouldn’t be beautiful either, but I can imagine it being a girl. But I’d love them no matter if they’re a girl or a boy. It’s our kid, I’ll love them no matter what.”

It really made me so happy to hear that Armin saw this child as his own even if he wasn’t the biological father. He cared for them and me more than Levi ever would, and being with him wasn’t something I could have regretted. This was Armin’s child, not Levi’s, it was our family and our child, and I loved them both. I knew that Armin already felt like this was his child, but I wanted him to be a part of this child as well, wanted him to feel even better that this was his child, to have a connection to them. 

“...Armin?” He hummed in response and cuddled with my belly while I played with his hair. “I want you to...” Well, how could I put this in words? It took a moment or two but I eventually just said it. “You are the child’s father, you always have been and will be, and I want you to... to do what a father would do to... have a child...” I was hesitant to even say something like that in the first place, and it certainly wasn’t easy for me to do such a thing, but I trusted Armin more than I trusted anyone else, so I would give him a chance and tried to give him what he deserved. 

Armin was visibly confused at first but I saw his expression changing into one of worry once he seemed to understand what I meant. “Hanji, we really don’t have to do this. I understand why you don’t want this, it’s okay. This is our child, we don’t have to do this to prove it, really.” And there he was again, too caring and too understanding for me to handle. But this time, I really meant it. I felt ready because I felt comfortable with Armin around me, and I was ready to take our relationship to the next step, to deepen it. 

“I want this, I want you to be their father and I want you to be able to really feel like their father, not only believe it. I’m okay with it, and I’m ready for it. I promise it’s alright.” I didn’t only want to convince him, but also myself. If Armin slept with me, I could also believe it myself that he was the father. I needed it, because whenever I looked at my stomach, all I saw was Levi. I wanted to see Armin, because that’s who the father really was. 

I think he understood that this was important for me too when he leaned up and cupped my cheeks. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch before I looked back up at him and offered him a smile. “I love you.” I took his hand and gently kissed his palm while Armin rubbed my cheeks and I couldn’t but melt in his calming touch. “I love you too... You tell me when to stop, okay? I don’t want you to go over your boundaries for me. As soon as you tell me ‘stop’, I’ll stop immediately, alright?” All I did was nodding when he said this and giving his lips a soft peck to tell him I understood and agreed. “Just... be careful.” I added quietly, I didn’t want the child to get hurt either. 

I saw him smiling and nodding when he leaned closer and kissed me careful and loving while I returned the kiss and slowly wrapped my arms around his neck and played with the ends of his hair. He pulled back, took off his shirt and came closer again as I felt his soft, warm lips against my neck and his hands slowly sliding off my shirt as well. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with laying there like that, Armin was the only one I felt comfortable with to see me like that and touch me in these ways. He was gentle and careful, caring, he always was. 

Soon, we were both undressed and I felt his hands trailing and caressing my body, making me shiver and moan at some points, all out of pleasure. “Do you feel alright?” It was the third or fourth time he asked me that and like I did before, I just nodded and gave him a smile. He nodded back and slowly and cautiously entered me while I gasped and moaned loudly when I felt him inside of me and held onto his shoulders, giving him a squeeze which probably scared him because he immediately pulled out. 

“A-Are you sure this is okay?” He looked so worried and I could understand why, but I honestly was ready for this. “This is more than okay, I promise. It’s all right.” I smiled and wrapped my legs around his waist to make it easier for him. He hesitated for a moment before he slowly pushed his hard member inside me again and I ended up moaning again and giving him a squeeze with my legs to pull him closer and a little deeper so he wouldn’t pull out again, to tell him it was okay. 

With every movement, he earned himself more moans from me and I slowly digged my nails into his perfect skin. He kept asking me if I was okay with what he did and I couldn’t but moan in pure pleasure and happiness, nodding quickly and holding him close. It was the first time someone did this to me with tenderness and care, so this was the first time I could actually enjoy it to the fullest and even smile up at Armin. 

I held him tighter when he started moving faster, but still with caution, and left more love marks over my body while he massaged my breasts with gentleness, making me moan and blush only louder and more. “H-Hanji... I can’t hold back anymore...” He mumbled when he visibly reached his peak as I nodded understandingly and tightened my grip on his waist when he came, letting out a loud moan while I leaned and pressed against him in return. 

I couldn’t say I hated it, I liked it, but for some reason it felt strange, as if someone was watching even though we were alone. But I shrugged it off, it was because whenever Levi did this to me, there were people watching. I was paranoid but I didn’t want Armin to worry so I kept my smile and held him, I even heard him moaning a few times which I found really cute to hear. 

He looked so happy, and so exhausted. After he pulled out of me again, I let out a shaky but happy sigh and curled up by his side. “D-do you feel alright?” His hand stroked my bangs out of my face as I turned my head to face him, my cheeks tinted in a soft red. “I’m fine.” I whispered and reached up to gently brush his hair back and cup his cheek. “I love you so much.” When I leaned up and kissed his lips, I felt him smiling and returning the kiss, his arms wrapping around my frail body. “I love you too.” 

“Try to sleep for a little.” He mumbled and pulled the blanket over our naked bodies but the only place I searched for warmth in was his body. “I’ll still be here when you wake up, I’ll always be here. I love you.” He kissed my head while I nodded like an idiot and closed my eyes, sighing contently while I tried to get some rest from everything. Armin’s hands rubbed my belly and my back, his tender touch helping me to fall asleep soon. 

A while later, I got woken by the sound of Armin’s voice, but he wasn’t talking to me, he was talking to the phone with someone, so I pretended to still be asleep to not bother him. “...Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, she’s sleeping now. Mhm... No, Eren, no I won’t- Eren, I can’t- stop it. I said no. I won’t give it to you... I-I don’t care of you call Mikasa, I can’t do this to her.” He sighed and I grew confused, but I trusted Armin so there was no need to worry. “I know I told you I’d give it to you, but I won’t, not anymore- Why? Eren, I love her and I can’t-” There were laughter on the phone and I felt weird to hear Armin saying these things and hearing this Eren laughing. 

“Eren, I said no and that means no. I was so stupid to even let you convince me into doing this. You’re insane and revolting, the two of you. I know what I did but things changed, I love her and you have to deal with that.” He hung up and put his phone on the small table next to the bed before I felt his arms around me again. I kept my eyes closed all the time but my heart was pounding like crazy in my chest. So many things went through my head and I just didn’t know what to believe anymore. Why did he want to give to him? Convince Armin into doing what? What did he do, what changed? Was it all a game? Did Armin love me or not?

The longer I thought about it, the harder was it to keep my tears inside and my emotions hidden. I took a shaky breath and rubbed my tears away as I turned around to face my back to Armin, curling up even more when I felt his arms around me again. “What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” He whispered and I simply nodded. I couldn’t tell him I heard him talking on the phone, no matter how much I wanted clarification for what I head. It surely was only another big misunderstanding. 

“Everything’s okay. I’m here for you, I’m right here. I love you.” He whispered while rubbing my belly and I couldn’t but cry even harder because I felt so helpless in that moment. I felt lonely even though he was right by my side and was hugging me like that. It suddenly all felt so wrong, but at the same time, it felt so right. I wanted to believe his words so bad, but I had no idea what was right and wrong anymore. 

“Hey... hey, it’s fine, it’s just a bad dream. Everything’s alright...” He wiped away my tears and kissed my cheek before he paused for a moment. “You know what can make you focus on something else? Let’s go and visit my mother today. We could eat dinner together, I’m sure she would like to have us over.” I shook my head lightly. It would have been the first time for me to meet his mother and I had no idea if I could do that. “...She’s been asking me for a while now when she would get to know you. I didn’t tell her anything personal about you, so you don’t need to worry about that. All I told her was that we’re in the same class and that you’re my girlfriend, and she’s almost eager to meet you. It would be better than staying here all day, hm? Now that I mention it, I haven’t seen her in a while... But we don’t have to go if you don’t want to, of course.”

If I knew one thing for sure, it was that Armin wouldn’t leave me alone and would only go if I was by his side. I also knew that Armin loved his mother a lot, who wouldn’t? So, I couldn’t keep him back from seeing her. Maybe this would indeed help me to distract myself and think about other things. If his mother was as nice and kind as him, there was nothing I needed to worry about. I slowly turned around to Armin again and hugged him, giving a small nod while I cuddled to his chest and tried to just forget whatever I heard. If it was something important, Armin would surely tell me. I shouldn’t worry too much. 

He kissed and nuzzled the top of my head while I slowly calmed down under his touch again and stopped crying and shaking. I gave his chest a small kiss in return and just held him for a while longer. Once I was ready, I looked up and kissed his chin. Armin smiled as we sat up and he fixed my hair a little before we got out of bed and took a quick shower together, I didn’t want his mother to have a bad first impression of me, at least. 

After some convincing that I looked good in it, I put on the only dress I ever had. It was a gift from my aunt but I never liked it because I wasn’t one to wear dresses. But when I saw how bad Armin wanted me to keep it on, I reluctantly did so. At least, it fell to my knees so I didn’t feel too uncomfortable and could keep it on for him. Luckily, it was a rather wide dress so it hid my bump a little but I believed it was visible that I was pregnant nonetheless. I also put on a thin jacket since I didn’t want anyone to see the bandages on my arms, this way I could hide them. 

Armin wanted to do my hair and I let him do so, I didn’t want to look like a weirdo and Armin could braid hair really good. It always remembered me of my mother and I couldn’t but smile a little whenever I saw my hair like that. I went to give Armin a kiss on his cheek and looked back at the mirror. “...You think your mother would like that?” Armin smiled from ear to ear and hugged me, giving me a soft peck on the lips. “She’ll love you, you’ll see. But I love you more.” I was still nervous to go and see her, but it made Armin so happy to go and he comforted me so much, it felt good and right to go. “Also, I doubt she wouldn’t love such a beautiful girl like you.” He raised our hands and motioned for me to spin, which I did, letting my dress fly up a little while I blushed and stood again. 

“Ready to go?” I smiled at him and nodded as I grabbed my few things and put them in my small backpack before we headed out of my apartment. While we walked, I hooked my arm with his only to keep him close to myself. I felt a bit weird with the dress, even if Armin kept telling me I looked good with it. I wasn’t used to this, so of course it was weird, but it was alright if it made Armin so happy. 

We luckily didn’t meet anyone we knew and I was so glad that the walk to his mother’s house was calm and relaxing. I hugged his arm close and tight when we stood in front of the door and sighed shakingly while I stood behind him to hide from what was coming, my hand still holding his arm close and squeezing him when he rang the bell. 

I sucked in a breath when the door opened and looked up at the woman who greeted us. I was nervous, and a little scared, but I was doing this for Armin, so did my best to stay calm.


	5. Chapter 5

Armin’s mother was a very kind looking woman. It was visible that he got most of his looks from her, but his eyes were completely different from hers, probably from his father. She had the same blonde hair like Armin but longer and tied in a low ponytail. She smiled at us and her smile remembered me a lot of Armin, it was just as sweet as his and made me feel a tiny bit less nervous. 

That was until she snatched Armin away from me and pulled him into a death hug, I was scared he couldn’t breathe properly. I suddenly felt so cold and lonely and lowered my gaze to the floor. “Armin Amadeus Arlert! Why am I not seeing you anymore? I feel like I’m only there to cook for you and wash your clothes! You can visit your mother more often, young man! You think now that you’re older you don’t need to see me anymore or what?” She scolded him and pinched his ear while Armin whined and tried to talk but she didn’t give him any chance. I couldn’t but feel guilty since I was the reason Armin wasn’t home anymore this often, I felt like I was pulling these two apart. 

“I’m your mother not just any-“ She stopped abruptly and stared over at me while I shrunk into myself, my eyes slowly but surely filling with tears. I was already planning on just turning away and running as far away as I could, until she gasped and let go of Armin to approach me instead. “You’re Hanji, aren’t you? Armin told me so much good about you, but he didn’t tell me you’re that pretty!” She clapped her hands in front of her which made me flinch a little and take a careful step back, my gaze stayed on the ground as I gave a small, simple nod in response. 

I could tell she got confused by my behavior and the fact that I was going to cry any moment. “...What’s wrong, dear?” She reached out to put a hand on my shoulder and I gasped at the weight that now was on my body, tears finally dripping from my eyes. I felt my chest tighten uncomfortably and took another step back until I felt someone wrapping an arm around me and I looked up to see Armin holding me. He rubbed my arm when I slowly looked down again and he kissed my head. “It’s okay, I’m here.” He whispered to me and wiped my tears away as I took a deep breath and nodded lightly. 

“Mom, this is Hanji, my girlfriend. Hanji, this is my mother.” He motioned at us both and I dared to look back up at the woman, giving her a small nod. She gave me a kind smile in return and I slowly reached out to shake her hand. “I’m really happy to finally get to know you. I told Armin to get you here sooner but he always told me you two were too busy with school.” She had no idea of the real reason we didn’t come, and I was glad she didn’t. “Come in, come in! I was just cooking, you two can help me set the table.” She waved us in and I reluctantly followed Armin inside, holding onto his arm as if he was the last thread that kept me alive. 

We soon found our way into the kitchen and I had to admit, Armin’s home was really nice. It was big and offered much space, but still was cozy and warm, it was a perfect place to live, unlike the mess I called my home. The kitchen was huge, no wonder his mother always made food for us. What else should she have done with such a huge kitchen? This place was so good, it almost already felt like home to me too. Armin let me sit on one of the stools that was at the kitchen island and I watched his mother cooking, the amazing smell of the food filling the air and even making me smile. 

“This smells really good, Mrs. Arlert. Your food is always great, thank you a lot for everything.” I decided that telling her this was the least I could do after she cooked for me every day even without knowing me before. It made me believe that she possibly wasn’t mad at me for making Armin sleep over every day, maybe she even liked me, I didn’t know. 

“At least there is one person who appreciates my food!” Her way of saying this was somehow playful, especially when I saw Armin bowing to her. “Dear mother, your food is always amazing and eating it every day is the biggest pleasure I could ever have!” They both laughed and even I laughed a little with them, seeing them acting as a family made me happy too. I wished my family could have been like that, but I was happy that Armin seemed happy with his, at least. 

His mother asked me a few times to get her some things, but whenever I was about to get up and do as told, Armin made me sit back down and took care of it by himself. I felt useless even though I understood Armin didn’t want me to do much because I was pregnant, but I didn’t want to look like someone who did nothing. His mother certainly didn’t know I was carrying a child and probably understood that I wanted to help but Armin didn’t let me, so she put the plates and the cutlery in my hands and smiled. “Can you put these on the table? Armin, you get some cups, yeah?” 

I smiled in return and nodded as I got up and lifted the the things she gave me while I walked over to the dining table. I set a plate at every seat and did my best to put the cutlery as neat as possible on the table. I was about to set down the last spoon but I stopped when I looked into the spoon and teared up. Armin probably heard my sniffles because he came to my side immediately. “H-hey... what’s wrong?” I couldn’t but sob and hold the spoon in front of his face. “Do you see that?!” The confusion was written all over his face, even his mother came over to us and looked as confused as Armin was. 

“What’s wrong with the spoon, dear?” I looked up at his mother at her question and sniffled again as I turned the spoon back to me and frowned at it. “Look! Somebody didn’t clean the spoon properly, there’s still water stains on it, you see it?!” I held it back out for them. “How are we supposed to eat with that?” I rubbed my eyes with my fist before I froze when I heard them both laughing. This wasn’t something to laugh about, it was serious business for me and I didn’t understand in this moment what they found so funny about that. 

“Hanji, love, that’s nothing you need to worry or cry about. We’ll just clean it, yeah? Everything’s fine.” He smiled but the fact that they were both laughing at me only made me cry even more. So, I put the spoon on the table and walked away from them both to sit on the couch in the living room. There were a few pillows on the couch, so I took one and pressed my face against it and cried into it. It probably wasn’t really the worst thing on earth to see some water stains on a spoon, and I had no idea why I was crying so hard over this, but it just happened and I didn’t like it that they both laughed at me like that. 

Just a moment later, I felt arms around me and I didn’t have to look up to know who it was. I started muttering things into the pillow and I was sure none of what I said was understandable, but I felt Armin nodding at everything I said nonetheless. “I’m sorry- we’re sorry. We didn’t want to laugh at you, it wasn’t meant in a bad way, I promise. It wasn’t something to laugh about and it’s not gonna happen again. We’ll just clean the spoon and eat, okay?” He mumbled and I slowly nodded before I hugged him tightly and hid my face in his neck. He returned the hug and kissed my head while he rubbed my back to calm me down again. 

It took me a few moments until I calmed down again and cuddled close to him, gave him a squeeze and slowly pulled back again as I reached up to rub my eyes under my glasses from the tears. “Now give me a smile. C’mon, where’s that smile?” He booped my nose and I couldn’t but crack a smile and giggle a little as I nudged him playfully. “I love you, don’t forget that, yeah?” He pecked my lips and all I could do it nodding eagerly, smiling at him while I hugged and cuddled his arm close, already feeling much better. 

We got up once I was ready and walked back to the kitchen where I wanted to apologize to his mother, but she surprised me with a hug. “I didn’t mean to make you upset, look, I cleaned the spoon, there’s no need to be sad anymore, okay?” She mumbled against my hair and even kissed my head. Her warmth and care made me almost melt in her arms. She was acting like a mother, she almost treated me like her daughter, and I couldn’t but enjoy it for the few moments it lasted. My arms wrapped around her in return while I let myself lean against her touch. “Don’t apologize, it’s my fault.” I mumbled quietly. 

We stood there for a few moments until she gasped and pulled back, rushing over to the oven and pulling the food out. She sighed relieved and smiled at us both, “Food is done! Who’s hungry?” I couldn’t but smile brightly when I smelled the food and clapped my hands quickly before I took Armin to the table and took a seat next to him. His mother brought the food just a moment later and put some of it onto our plates. As soon as she sat, we started eating and the obvious smile on my face couldn’t be hidden in any way. I finished my plate while Armin had only eaten half of his, it made me a little embarrassed but I just felt so extremely hungry. 

I was still hungry but I was too embarrassed to ask for more food so I just looked down in silence until I blinked a few times when I saw Armin putting more food on my plate and kissing my cheek. “It’s alright, eat as much as you want.” I slowly looked over at his mother who gave me a reassuring smile and I nodded slowly as I ate the food that was on my plate until there wasn’t anything left and rubbed my stomach a little once I grew full. “That was good... thank you.” I mumbled when Mrs. Arlert got up and patted my head. “I’m glad you like it, dear.” I smiled up at her and got up as well together with Armin while we got the dishes into the kitchen. 

“How about you two going upstairs? I can handle this alone.” She didn’t let any of us argue with her when she shooed us out of the kitchen and gave us a last smile before she turned away again. Armin just shrugged and lead us both upstairs to his room. His walls were covered with so many pictures and when I took a closer look, they were all pictures of him, his family and probably friends, mostly at the beach but also some of average days at home or somewhere outside. There were even some pictures of him as a child and I had to smile at how adorable he looked. 

“Your room is so much better than mine!” I pointed out with a fake pout which turned back into a smile as fast as it came. When I spotted his bed, I let myself fall into it and hugged his pillow close to my face, it had his scent on it like the rest of the room and it felt just so amazing and calm for me. Armin laughed at the way I was so fascinated by his room and came to sit by my side. I pulled him down immediately and hugged him tightly while nuzzling his chest gently. “You look happy.” He stated and I answered with a kiss on his chest and even more cuddles. I felt happy, and less nervous than before, and simply enjoyed it to be this close to Armin. 

When I felt something in my stomach, I gasped and quickly pulled back from Armin who gave me a confused look in return, but when I lifted my dress over my belly, he gasped as well. There was a tiny print of a hand pressing against my stomach and we both smiled at that. Armin scooted down so he was at the same level like my belly and gently touched the small hand. “Hey, love.” He cooed, my eyes filling with tears of happiness. “Did you want to say hello? I almost missed you. We’re at your grandma’s house right now, but she doesn’t know about you yet. We’ll tell her some other day, okay?” He kissed the small hand while I ran my hand through his hair and watched him in silence. 

However, this silence was interrupted when the door to his room suddenly opened and his mother rushed inside. “Armin, Hanji! I just-“ She stopped when she saw us like that and I quickly pulled my dress back down to cover my stomach and my legs. Luckily, I was wearing shorts under the dress so it didn’t look like we did something intimate, but I knew she found out about my pregnancy only by the look she had. “Mom! Why don’t you knock before you walk inside?” Armin was just as nervous as I was while I tried to hide behind him because I couldn’t bear the stare his mother gave us. 

“I knew that a girl and a boy living alone wouldn’t end well.” She muttered while I teared up and gripped Armin’s shirt. “It’s not like that, mom, we-” She stopped him and stared over at me while I sat up and got behind him, shaking. “You’re still in school, Armin, now you two are having a child? I already could tell by the way she acted, but I trusted you to be smart enough to not do such a thing with your age.”

“Mom, it’s not like that-“ But she interrupted him again and simply shook her head. “I’m disappointed, Armin. Really disappointed.” Her look was filled with disappointment just like her voice. Soon, she turned around to leave the room, and only then I found my courage to speak up. “W-wait...” I peeked my head up over Armin’s shoulder and looked over at her, tears uncontrollably dripping down my face. “Armin... didn’t do th-this...” I mumbled shakingly which made her stop in her tracks and cross her arms over her chest. 

“Hanji, you don’t have to do this, it’s okay.” Armin whispered but I simply shook my head. I didn’t want his mother to blame him for something he had nothing to do with, it was Levi who did this, otherwise I wouldn’t be pregnant now. “Armin is n-not the biological father.” I whispered, but still made sure she heard me. “I.. I was.. Levi, he..” I just couldn’t say it, put my hands over my face and cried miserably. It was the first time ever since it happened that I mentioned it, that I told someone else about it. I didn’t want his mother to think bad of her son, if her seeing me as a slut for this was the price, I was ready to pay it. 

Armin’s eyes teared up as well but it probably was more out of anger than sorrow or despair. He immediately hugged me and I clung to him and pressed my face against his chest. “It’s okay, shh... I’m here, I’m right here...” He whispered to me while rubbing my back. My grip on him tightened when I heard his mother’s steps coming closer, I was so scared she would pull him away from me or tell me to leave, but instead, I felt her sitting on the bed next to us and putting a gentle hand on my head. I carefully looked up and saw her and Armin exchanging some looks, before she probably understood what really happened and looked back at me. Her expression was a mixture of sadness, pain, concern, and regret, only seeing this made me even sadder. 

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled when she pulled me closer to herself and held me against her chest while she stroked my head. I didn’t know how to feel or how to act, it felt so new but still familiar. Armin came from my other side and hugged me as well while his head rested against my shoulder. “I’m here.” They both whispered and I couldn’t but cry even more while trying my best to hold Armin and his mother as close as I could. They were both there for me, I just needed to understand and accept it. They were both holding me and comforting me, even though they both knew what happened. I still felt loved although I was disgusting. It was as if they didn’t care about what happened, it was as if to them, I was just Hanji. 

We surely sat there for an hour, but neither of us cared about the time while we just held each other- it was mainly them holding me but I couldn’t really complain, I felt warm and protected. “I’m sorry for how I reacted. I couldn’t have known that... But it’s over, okay? We’ll stay here for you and whenever you need something, you can just ask me, yeah? If you need help with anything, I’m here.” His mother sounded as sincere as Armin and I really hoped that it was all true. It felt true and I held onto this small hope. 

His mother’s gaze fell on my belly and she gave me a smile. “Can I?” I was a little insecure first but nodded as I put my hands on the bed at each side and looked down at my stomach once she put her hand there, smiling a little when I felt she had the same tender touch like Armin. My eyes closed as a slow breath escaped my lips and I slowly looked up at Armin, giving him a weak smile as well before I leaned my head against his shoulder and hugged his arm. He kissed my head and took my hand into his, intertwining our fingers. “I love you.” I blushed a little since his mother was still by our side and whispered a small “I love you too” back to him, but all his mother did was smiling at us as Armin chuckled lightly. 

“Oh, mom, why did you come here? You sounded like you wanted to tell us something.” Armin was right, it was as if she was exited for something but she looked like that even now. “Yeah, I wanted to tell you that Eren and Mikasa called, they wanted to come over to pick something up-“ She barely even finished her sentence and there was already someone on the door. “Ah, that must be them, you’ll like them, Hanji.” She got up and left the room while I started to grow extremely scared. I heard Armin saying their names on the phone and it was still confusing me what they could have been talking about. Of course, I trusted Armin, but I didn’t know if I could trust the other two. Armin didn’t seem to have such a big a problem with them coming over, so I shouldn’t worry too much. 

The sound of footsteps got louder until Armin’s friends reached his room and walked in. A boy and a girl, in our age, the boy looked more like one of these annoying wannabe cool guys while the girl was looking a little scary with her glare and somehow remembered me of Levi, but I prayed for the best. Armin got up and greeted them before I slowly got up as well and offered them a smile. “This is Eren, and this is Mikasa. Eren, Mikasa, this is Hanji.” Armin introduced us to each other as I reached out to shake their hands. 

“It’s really nice to meet you. Armin told us everything about you.” The brunet said with an obvious smirk and caused so many questions to go through my head, myself feeling only weaker and smaller next to them. 

“I-I haven’t told them anything.” Armin said rather quickly and ran a hand through his hair, I could tell he got nervous but I didn’t know why. Or I knew but I didn’t want it to be true. 

“Come on, I’m just joking, dude!” Eren wrapped an arm around Armin and I had to watch how he took him out of the room, leaving me alone there with Mikasa. I didn’t feel particularly comfortable with being there alone with her, but since she was a friend of Armin, I didn’t want to be rude and smiled at her even though she was practically glaring at me. 

“Did you sleep together?” This question definitely caught me off guard and made me blush in embarrassment as I looked at Mikasa with disbelief- how could she ask something like that so suddenly? “W-well...” I looked at my lap and nodded lightly, I didn’t want to lie to her since she seemed to be one to immediately see through others. 

“But you’re pregnant from someone else, if I’m not mistaken.” It wasn’t even a question anymore, it was a statement, she knew what she was talking about. “Interesting. How does it feel like to fool Armin?” I couldn’t but simply stare over at her, it was as if I forgot how to talk. “You’re using him just to have a father for your unborn child. Clever, Armin might be naive enough, but I certainly am not.” 

I was overwhelmed by her words and just couldn’t believe what this girl was stating. I never thought about using Armin in any way, then she came and said all these things- where did she even find out all this? I noticed that she was walking around the room then, as if she was searching for something while she opened some drawers here and there and checked the shelves for something I was oblivious to. 

“Th-that’s not true.” I spoke up eventually but it only earned me a sigh and an eye roll. “I am not using him for anything- where do you even know all this from..?” I just had to know it, had to know if it was Armin who told her or not. 

“A little bird told me.” Monotone, cold, emotionless. I didn’t like the way she talked and acted, and the fact that we were alone in that room didn’t help me to feel better in any way. I was about to ask another question but the door opened and Eren came back with Armin. Luckily. 

“We’re back!” Eren’s voice was too gleeful, Armin’s expression too sad to tell me that everything was just normal. Mikasa nodded at him and they both looked as if they had just found something extremely valuable and I grew more confused, insecure, and admittingly a little scared with every minute. 

Eren pulled back from Armin and went to his closet to take something out of there, somewhere in the back under his clothes, before he and Mikasa walked over to the door. “We gotta go now. It was great to see you two! Thanks, man, see ya!” Eren patted Armin’s shoulder on their way out and were gone before I could even realize it. My expression grew more confused while I stared over at Armin who stared wordlessly at the floor. 

“...Armin?” I whispered and was about to get up from the bed and walk over to him, but he already came over to the bed and hugged me. I hugged him back and felt better for a moment before I spoke again, I really needed answers. “Armin, where does Mikasa know from that I’m pregnant?” My voice barely reached a whisper yet Armin shook his head. “She’s a smart person, I think she noticed your belly and assumed it.”

And for some reason, I couldn’t but think Armin was the one who told her. “...And where does she know from that it’s not your child?” That time, I asked even more careful because I was just so scared of what kind of answer I would get. He took a moment longer, but spoke a moment later. “I told them we came together a month ago, so it was kinda obvious I couldn’t be the father.” If I was being honest, even Armin looked like he knew what he said wasn’t exactly the truth and didn’t make much sense, but I didn’t want to be the one to question him. 

I left it like that since I didn’t want to be the one to drag the mood down, I wanted to cuddle and hug Armin because I trusted him to never do any bad to me. He was my boyfriend, if he wanted something bad happening to me, it would have already happened the moment Levi forced himself on me. But instead, he picked me up and helped me to stand again, so I knew I could trust him out of all people. 

“I love you a lot, Hanji.” He whispered and hugged me a little tighter while I returned the hug and nodded. “I love you too.” Armin kissed my head and rubbed my back while I leaned against his touch and let him hold me. “Never forget it, I love you more than anything else. And I’m always here for you.” I felt a little strange that Armin was emphasizing it so much, but it wasn’t something I didn’t like to hear, these words were beautiful when they came from him, so I didn’t think too much about it and just enjoyed the moment between us. 

We slowly laid back down and I made sure to hug and cuddle Armin properly, even if it felt like he was a little tense, probably because of this Eren. I wanted him to focus on something else and wanted to see him happy, so I looked up at him and leaned closer to connect our lips in a slow but affectionate kiss. He returned it which made me smile because he probably was already feeling better. 

He flipped us over so I laid on my back and he was hovering over me, but I didn’t mind this new position one bit. My arms found their way around his neck to hold him while his hand caressed my belly with gentle motions. A few moments later, I felt him licking and biting my bottom lip and felt my cheeks heating up but I slowly opened my mouth for him nonetheless and let him push his tongue inside. 

I was completely new to this but I did what I thought was right and rubbed my tongue against his while returning the kiss and holding him a little tighter. Soft hums escaped my lips every here and there and it was obvious I liked this new kind of affection. 

Armin pulled back a few moments later while I looked up at him panting, my cheeks burning, but I still smiled. I cupped his cheeks and rubbed my thumbs over his soft skin tenderly, giving him a few more kisses on his face and lips. Armin smiled down at me as well and it was like for that moment, it was only the two of us in the whole world. 

“It’s already late... would you mind sleeping here?” I looked out of the window when he mentioned the time and got surprised that it was already night and only then felt how tired I was. “It’s fine, we can stay here.” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek before I curled up by his side again, but Armin got up and I was left on the bed whining because I already missed him. 

“We didn’t take clothes for you with us, but you can take some of mine, if you like.” I grinned like an idiot and sat up quickly, nodding eagerly at his suggestion. After Armin got them, I took the clothes from him and hugged them before I got up and changed into them. It was a simple blue t-shirt and a pair of black jogging pants, but wearing them felt so good for me. Not only could I get out of that dress, I even could wear his clothes which was wonderful for me. 

His clothes had his scent and I cuddled into them while I waited for Armin to get changed as well. Once he sat next to me on the bed again, I gave him a big smile and hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek. “Your clothes are so comfy! I love them!” I cuddled close to him while Armin just chuckled and cuddled me in return. We sat in silence, wouldn’t there have been me who broke it. 

“Armin, I’m hungry.” I mumbled a little embarrassed since it was already so late, but I couldn’t help it. “Do you have chocolate here?” I pouted and sat on his lap, hugging him while Armin shrugged. “We could go and take a look?” I nodded quickly and wrapped my arms around his neck once he picked me up and walked downstairs to the kitchen with me. He made me sit on the counter while I watched him rummaging through the shelves. 

“We don’t exactly have chocolate... how about some chips instead?” I shook my head and saw Armin looking back into the shelves. “Cupcakes?” I shook my head again. “...Cookies?” I considered the idea for a moment and tapped my chin. “Chocolate chip cookies?” I asked in return and Armin shook his head as he looked back into the shelf, almost desperate. “There isn’t anything with chocolate in here... I’ll go and buy some real quick, alright?” 

I blinked a few times and before I had the chance to hold him back, he was already gone and I was left in the kitchen alone. If he wanted to buy it for me, I couldn’t really complain, so I shrugged and looked around a bit. I noticed a few things on the fridge, so I got up to take a look at them. There was a picture of Armin and his family somewhere outside in winter, probably in Christmas, and Armin was much younger and all wrapped up in scarfs and a hat. He looked so cute and adorable like that and I couldn’t but smile at seeing them all this happy. They doubtlessly were a happy family. 

Before I knew it, Armin was back and I turned around with a smile but my expression fell when I saw how much he bought. “I didn’t know what you could want, so I got a few different things.” I stared at him with wide eyes before I teared up and hugged him tightly. “Y-you are the best..!” I suppressed a sob as he kissed my cheek and got us back upstairs to his room. 

I jumped on his bed and he emptied the bag with the sweets he got in front of me. There were so many, I had no idea how many kinds of chocolate he got but if I would have guessed, there were more than two dozens, at least. I didn’t hesitate to grab the first chocolate bar and shove it into my mouth with a happy hum. “This is amazing! Thank you!” My mouth was full and it certainly wasn’t the most pleasant view, but Armin still smiled at me and patted my head. “As long as you’re happy. But don’t eat it all at once, I don’t want you to get stomach pain, okay?” 

I nodded quickly again and ate as much of the chocolate as I could handle. Sometimes, Armin had to wipe my face off and I felt like a child when he did so, but I didn’t care. I took some of the chocolate and put it between my lips as I leaned closer to him to take a bite as well. He did so and we kissed when our lips met which made me giggle like crazy since I never did this before and only saw it in movies. 

After I ate what I called a good amount of chocolate but surely wasn’t a healthy amount, I fell back on the bed and held my stomach. “Definitely more than enough!” I conplained and whined. “Uhh- Why did you let me eat so muuuuch?” Armin just shook his head and put everything back into the bag before he came back to my side and his hand gently rubbed over my stomach. After he kissed my stomach, he laid down next to me and kissed my head as well. “Sorry, love.” He mumbled into my hair while I hugged and pulled him closer. 

I felt so exhausted and so tired but I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted to spend more time with Armin so I cuddled closer to him after he pulled the blanket over us both. “Tell me a story about your childhood...” I mumbled sleepily while Armin’s hand stroked my head and I nuzzled my face into his chest. 

Armin hummed a few moments in thought before he started talking. “...When I was nine, that’s when I went to the beach and saw the ocean for the first time ever.” It was almost obvious that he would talk about the ocean, but I couldn’t complain one bit and closed my eyes. He was always so fascinated by the ocean, and listening to him was soothing and relaxing. “It was something completely new for me but I always loved the sea so it was about time I got to see it.”

I gave slow nods whenever he spoke and yawned while I clung to his shirt. “W...will you take me to... to the ocean one day too?” I mumbled half asleep and felt a kiss being pressed against my head. “Of course. We will go together one day.” I felt extremely happy and already was excited about going there. I cuddled him even more until I couldn’t hold myself awake anymore and dozed off on his chest, cuddled and lulled to sleep by his warmth and his heartbeat.


	6. Chapter 6

Four, almost five months passed since Armin’s promise to take me to the ocean and we still didn’t go. I kept trying to tell myself it was because we have much to do for school, or maybe because we had to prepare things for our child, but I had the feeling that Armin just didn’t want to take me because of whatever reason he had in mind. I wasn’t going to complain, though, if he wanted to take me, I’d go gladly. 

I was avoiding Eren and Mikasa as much I could because I still couldn’t trust them, even though they might seem nice and all, I just didn’t like them because of how they acted the first day we met. I still didn’t know what they got from Armin’s closet back then and Armin wasn’t telling me the truth either. It couldn’t be that bad and since it had been a while ago, I kinda could let it slide, better than wasting time on thinking about possibilities that wouldn’t happen. I should focus on the more important things, like Armin and our child. 

Levi didn’t change at all and now that my belly is exposed to everyone, he used this to make my life even harder than it already was. Not only Levi, there were now new groups of people that were a pain in the ass for me and who kept messing with me every single minute of the day. But nobody was as bad as Levi, just to make that clear. I feel like everyone was just searching for someone to pick on to make themselves feel better, I couldn’t explain that in any other way.

Until today, Levi still hadn’t told me where to find my father. I thought it was because he wanted to be sure I give birth to his child, but the hope of really getting my father back was shrinking with every day. But I wouldn’t give up until I have certainty of where my father was, I haven’t taken and still was taking all of this for nothing. 

Armin was by my side for as long as he could, but sometimes, when he was sleeping, I sneaked out of bed just to lock myself in the bathroom and continue the artwork on my body. Not to mention what happened when he wasn’t there at all. Apparently, Armin wasn’t helping me enough anymore and bearing this pain was getting only worse day by day, while I was getting only weaker. I really wanted to stop this, mainly because I was expecting a child but also because of Armin, but it wasn’t like I could control much of it, it just happened, and when it happened, I felt more at ease. It was the truth, it was the only thing helping most of the time. 

We were expecting a daughter, and Armin immediately suggested to call her Amelia. Don’t ask me why or where he got that name from, but I thought it sounded good and cute, so I agreed. We already got her clothes, diapers, bottles and everything that we needed for a newborn. Armin even was working in a restaurant as waiter on the weekends just to get enough money for the little girl which I highly appreciated, even if that meant that we were separated from each other longer. But I could spend most of the time in Armin’s house where I already felt home thanks to his mother who was taking care of me and the unborn Amelia, so it was just bearable for most of the time. 

We were doing fine, other than some things here and there, things were seemingly going okay and I couldn’t await the birth of our child. I was scared of giving birth, to be honest, but I believed that as long as Armin was with me, things would’ve worked out eventually. 

I was in his room, like always, admiring the pictures on his walls that showed him and others at the beach. How much I wished to go there one day, it would be amazing, but I didn’t want to be selfish and put my own needs above Armin’s, Amelia’s, or his parents’. There were more important things than going to the ocean, I knew that. 

I rubbed my stomach and walked around his room a little, taking a look at every single picture that hung there. “Your daddy looks so happy.” Sometimes, I caught myself mumbling things to myself when I was alone, it helped a little to feel less lonely. 

The doorbell rang a couple of minutes later and I rushed downstairs to go and open the door with a bright smile. “Armin! Welcome home!” I pulled him inside and gave him a huge hug, I missed him really bad sometimes, it hurt. 

“Hey, you two.” He patted my head and rubbed my belly with one hand while hugging me and I did my best to take in his scent and warmth as much as I could. I wanted to enjoy his presence for as long as I could. 

“Come, I made food. It’s still warm, let’s eat!” I let him undress from his jacket before I took his hand and lead him to the table. Once he sat, I kissed his cheek and went to put the food on plates to serve the both of us since I haven’t eaten yet either. 

I set the food on the table and sat next to Armin while holding one of his hands, just to be close. We ate in silence, but it was a comfortable, little silence that surrounded us, even if there was a small tension, I just chose to ignore the bad. 

After finishing the food, I got up to take care of the dishes while Armin went to take a shower, nothing uncommon. It was like that every weekend, and if I was lucky, I caught him in bed before he fell asleep. But today wasn’t one of these days and when I entered his room, I already saw him sleeping on the bed. 

So, I walked to his side and sat down next to him, carefully running my hand through his damp hair and pressing a kiss to his head before I got up and decided to give him time to relax from work. I knew that he was working really hard to get the money for Amelia, but he was barely having time for me and when I saw him, he was either too exhausted from work or school to do anything, or already sleeping. It hurt to not have him by my side for so long anymore, I was honest here. 

I left his room and walked downstairs to the living room where I sat on the couch and looked down at my belly. Armin’s parents weren’t home since last week, they were on some business trip and wouldn’t come home for a month or two, so we were alone in this big house. I didn’t mind that, it gave us both space. 

Though, the longer I sat there by myself, the sooner my eyes filled with tears again. I couldn’t take this sometimes. It felt like Armin was so far away from me and I felt so lonely. I know he was doing that so Amelia could have what she needed, but it was breaking my heart to see him like that. He seemed so... distant. He hadn’t told me that he loved me for more than a week now, although Armin was someone to tell me that so many times a day. I felt like he lost interest and was only staying with me out of pity or because he thought he had to do this out of responsibility. I didn’t know, I really didn’t know, the only thing I knew was that I missed him really much and that it hurt really bad. 

I cried but like always I made sure to cry into a pillow, so Armin wouldn’t get woken up by my sobbing or whatever noises escaped me. The pain in my chest was getting worse and I just had no idea how to approach him. I didn’t know if he still loved me the way he did, if he still cared for me, if I was still important to him like I supposed to be. I slowly started to think that everything Armin did for me was just a big lie, a game which was slowly coming to an end. But I didn’t want this to be true. I shouldn’t think too negatively. 

I cried my heart out and l laid on the couch under a blanket to cover myself from the world. I just couldn’t take this any longer, I’ve had been holding everything inside for almost a month now and I’ve came to a point where I simply couldn’t take any more. After taking a few breaths, I got up and directly headed to the bathroom where I quietly closed the door and opened the shelf for one simple thing that could help me now. Armin’s father kept his blades in there, so I took one of them and sat against the door while I unwrapped my bandages and stared down at my arms. 

The scars were healing and I was doing well with letting them heal, until now. I haven’t cut myself for about a week now, but I couldn’t go on like that. Without hesitation, I put the blade on my arm and let it dance on my skin. The shapes it drew were random but that wasn’t the point; I saw my blood dripping down from my arms to the floor and you couldn’t believe how much relief I was feeling in this very moment. It was amazing how much such a small blade could do, I could kill myself with this, but I wouldn’t because of several obvious reasons. 

I didn’t know how many cuts I made but when I stopped, there was a damn lot blood on the floor and my clothes which I now needed to clean. First, I dabbed the blood from my arm a little with my shirt and then took a roll of bandages to rewrap my arm as my gaze fell down at my belly. “I’m sorry, Lia, but mommy can’t take this much...” I whispered down and then got up to clean the floor and my clothes from the blood. 

I made sure there was no hint of blood anywhere in the bathroom and only then walked out to put on my pyjamas, even if I couldn’t sleep, I liked the coziness. And so, I walked back to Armin’s room and peeked my head inside to look over at him. He was still sleeping and was taking the whole space on his bed which made me a little sad because that meant I couldn’t sleep next to him again without waking him. 

He had to work tomorrow, so I quietly closed the door and walked downstairs to the living room where I laid on the couch instead. It surely wasn’t the most comfortable, nor the best place to sleep for a pregnant girl, but it wasn’t like I had much of a choice. Yeah, I could sleep in the room of Armin’s parents, they even allowed me to do so, but I didn’t feel really comfortable there so I preferred the couch. 

I turned on the TV but muted it because I didn’t want Armin to wake up now that he was sleeping, I wasn’t really watching either to begin with. It was more like a background for me to not feel too lonely while I was laying there. The night passed only slowly and I was still awake when it was the next morning, I just couldn’t sleep like that. 

There were some footsteps and I closed my eyes quickly so Armin would think I was still sleeping, I didn’t want him to question me about why I wasn’t sleeping by his side last night. The footsteps came closer until they stopped right next to the couch and I felt a hand against my head. I didn’t move and just let him do whatever he wanted. 

“Hanji? Are you awake?” I didn’t give any reaction, heard him sighing and felt him taking his hand back. “I know you’re not sleeping, but it’s alright. My boss wants me to work two shifts today, I really don’t know why, but I won’t be back until the evening.” I had to suppress my tears when he said that and tried to not make it obvious I was awake, but it was so hard, and Armin already knew. “If you want we can eat breakfast together, I’ll make something, in case you want to get up.”

He left after that; no kiss, no touch, no talking to my belly like he used to do. It was as if he changed to a new person, and I didn’t like it at all. It was as if he was getting colder, he wasn’t the sweet and caring boyfriend that he used to be anymore, he was getting apathetic and it was all my fault. Armin didn’t even ask me why I was sleeping on the couch. I was losing him and I only just now realized. 

I waited for a few minutes before I got up and slowly walked into the kitchen, sitting on a stool at the island while resting my head on my fists and looking down. “M..morning..” I mumbled but Armin didn’t even turn around when he gave me a simple “good morning” in return and set a plate with some eggs in front of me. Neither of us said anything while we ate, the tension was almost unbearable. 

I was the one to finish my food first and finally could get up to wash my plate. Armin got up a moment later and walked to my side, I felt hopes building up that he would see I was sad and that he would try to comfort me, but instead he just put his plate in the sink and gave me a single pat on the head before he turned around to walk upstairs. 

I stared at the plate he just put in the sink and felt my eyes filling with tears and the next moment, I took the plate and threw it on the floor angrily, causing it to break into dozens of pieces. Armin got startled by the noise and turned to face me with wide eyes. “Why did you do this?” I stared down at the broken porcelain and looked up at him again, tears dripping down my cheeks. 

“Because of you!” I almost shouted and sniffled. “Y-you... why are you doing this? Why are you acting like that? Why are you so repellent, you-“ He didn’t let me finish my sentence and just interrupted me. 

“I am repellent?! I am working all day on /every/ weekend, I am getting my ass kicked around to get the money for us! I’m exhausted, okay? I need to sleep and get energy for the next day so we can feed the baby and ourselves!”

“Y-you are barely paying any attention to me anymore. I’m here all day by myself and I just can’t take it-“ I cried out but he kept on interrupting me. 

“/You/ can’t take it?! How about you go and work all day and I sit at home and do nothing, huh?!” He took steps closer to me and I was getting scared of his expression and his raised voice. For the first time ever, I was scared of him. 

“Th-that’s not what I meant! I mean you’re not showing me any love anymore, you’re not kissing me, I don’t even see you smile anymore... I know you’re working hard, but I need you, Armin... I can’t take it to be alone, I need you by my side... Please...” I was almost begging him at this point and slowly reached out to take one of his hands but before I knew it, I felt his hand on my cheek and heard a loud slap that echoed in the silence. 

I stared up at him in disbelief and held my throbbing cheek while even more tears now rolled over my face. Armin just slapped me. The guy I never would have thought would do such a thing was proving me wrong in this very moment. He tried to protect me from Levi, kept telling me I deserved happiness, and now he was doing this? I didn’t understand the world anymore. 

“Stop being so fucking selfish already! You’re old enough to take it to be alone at home for a few hours while I’m working! Stop acting like a helpless child, dammit!” He was definitely angry but I had no idea why. All I wanted was to be able to get some love again, because I felt so empty, and because of that he slapped me? Was I really that selfish? Was it that everyone could just keep hurting me if I did the smallest thing?

“A-Armin... I love you, I j-just want us to be happy...” I slowly pulled my hand away from my cheek and reached out in attempt to take his hand again, my hands shaking. “I’m sorry, I... I won’t ask you for this again...” My voice was so small and frail but i managed to get out this much. 

Armin pulled his hand away from mine and took a step back. “Clean the mess you made. I’m going to work now.” All I could do was nod at him and look down at the floor until he was out of sight and I only now broke into tears and fell to my knees while covering my face with my hands. I just didn’t get what I did wrong in my life to deserve something like this, but I suppose there was something, otherwise this wouldn’t happen now. 

He left me alone like that and all I could do was to take a piece of the broken porcelain and shove it into my skin so rough and hard I could swear I hit my bone. But I didn’t care about anything anymore, this was being too much and Armin was no longer there to help me through this. I let out a loud, helpless scream and let my blood run over the kitchen floor without any care in the world while my whole body was shaking. I wanted to let go once for all. 

I heard the door opening again and Armin came back inside, his footsteps came to the kitchen and stopped there while he stared down at me with wide eyes, the keys he was holding falling to the ground. “Hanji!” He shouted as I fell to my side and let the blood soak my clothes while I looked up at him, my gaze empty but at the same time filled with endless pain. 

“Oh God... Hanji! Stay with me, okay?! Don’t leave me!” He pulled me closer to himself but I was too weak to push him back or do anything. I was confused at his sudden change of behavior, but my brain wasn’t properly working now either. 

“Hanji, I-I’m so sorry! I love you, I lo-love you so much! P-please don’t leave me..!” At this point, Armin was crying and sobbing and it was only confusing me more. Luckily, it didn’t take long for me to close my eyes and let my body go limp in his lap. I never was happier to pass out in my life. 

Now he cared so much? Now he was sorry? Now he loved me? Now he wanted me to stay? Now that I was ready to let go, he came back and picked me up again? I didn’t get what he was trying to do, what he thought he was doing, what was going on in his head. I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get anything anymore. I was so confused like I never was before. 

However, unfortunately, I woke up again and found myself in a hospital. I stared up at the ceiling for a while before my head fell to side and I spotted Armin and a doctor talking. I didn’t even care what they were talking about and closed my eyes. That was until I feel someone holding my hand and another hand on my stomach and I then slowly looked up to see Armin. 

“Hanji.” His voice echoed in my head and caused tears to come to my eyes all over again. He kissed my forehead and looked back into my eyes, his eyes were filled with tears and pain as well and that hurt me only more. “I love you, Hanji. I really do. I’m sorry for how I acted.” The hand that was on my stomach came up to my cheek and I felt how his thumb was rubbing over my skin with caution. “I’m sorry.” He repeated quietly while I had to watch how his tears are dripping down his face. 

It obviously hurt to see him cry, but for the way he acted just a few hours ago, I didn’t know if these tears were genuine or not, if he really regretted what he did or not. But I would lie if I said I didn’t crave for a single touch and kiss from him. My world was standing upside down and my mind was in so much chaos, but when I looked at Armin, I saw everything I needed, though, at the same time, I saw the only person who was capable of breaking me into shreds with a single action or a single word. 

“P-please forgive me...” He ducked his head while I was still staring up at him wordlessly but what I did was giving his hand a small, weak squeeze. I couldn’t be mad at him for too long, it was Armin, he was always there for me. Even now, even though he was the cause of this, he was still sitting by my side and asking for forgiveness, he was telling me what I’ve been waiting for weeks to hear- how could I send him away now that I needed him the most? Maybe it was stupid, but I needed Armin no matter what, I had to feel him close, hear his voice, have his touch. Otherwise, I couldn’t keep going. 

“I... I love you too.” My voice hurt, but I just had to say it while giving his hand another small squeeze, tears running down my face. I closed my eyes when he came closer and felt his lips kissing my forehead, my nose, my cheeks and ultimately my lips. Obviously, I returned the kiss that was pressed against my lips and leaned up a little just to expand the kiss a little more, I didn’t want him to pull back, I wanted him to kiss me forever, I missed the feeling of his lips so bad. 

When he pulled back, he gave me a few more slow pecks on my lips before he rested his head against mine and I closed my eyes again, just trying to believe this wasn’t a dream. “I’m so sorry, Hanji.” He whispered and I hesitantly shook my head a little. 

“It’s okay, just... just stay with me, please... Armin, I don’t care if it’s selfish or not, but I need you so bad... I need you by my side...” I hiccuped and opened my eyes to look at him while he nodded and kissed my cheek. I relaxed a little at this and nodded back while giving his hand a small tug. 

He understood what I meant with that and he slowly got on the bed next to me while I immediately held him close and rested on his chest, pulling him as close as physically even possible. My tears didn’t take long to roll down my face and onto his chest, damping his shirt but I didn’t care about that and it didn’t seem that Armin did either, he kept holding me close and kept kissing my head. 

“I love you, more than anyone else. I’m sorry I didn’t show it anymore and that I don’t have time for you anymore... I’ll quit my job, okay? We should have enough money for now, and if we keep an eye on it, we can get through until my parents come back. I won’t leave you alone anymore, never again, I promise.” He gave me more kisses while I leaned into every single one but shook my head at what he said. 

“Armin, you don’t have to stop working because of me, I don’t want you to stay home because I can’t take care of myself, I know we need the money and yo-“ He cut me off with a kiss against my lips and shook his head after pulling back. 

“I will stay at home with you. Amelia should come soon, I should be there.” I just sighed and eventually nodded at what he said, seeing no reason to keep arguing. Also, I had nothing against Armin staying with me, I even preferred it, so I guess it was better to have him at home. 

“Okay.” I whispered eventually with a small smile and cuddled close to his chest while I enjoyed the feeling of his hand stroking my hair. It was as if everything was back to normal again and I wanted to keep this feeling forever. 

The doctors wanted to keep me longer this time and so I ended up staying there two days before they let me go home again. It was okay for me, they checked on Amelia mostly so it was worth it to stay there for a while. But the best place I could stay at was always at home with Armin, so Armin took me there as soon as we were able to. 

Though, when we came home, I didn’t expect Eren and Mikasa to be there. Armin didn’t seem to have invited them since he looked almost mad that they were here now. Admittedly, I was a little scared because these two didn’t look like they were up to anything good. They had this mischievous grin and looked so gleeful, even if they probably tried to hide it, I was seeing it clearly. 

“Ah, Armin, Hanji, there you are! Something terrible happened!” Eren started and looked almost worried about something while I squeezed Armin’s hand tightly. 

“You won’t believe it. I really don’t understand what people would do this.” Mikasa spoke as well, her voice was less monotone as usual and was more... concerned, almost. That was unusual for her so something really was up. 

“...What’s wrong, guys?” I asked carefully before Eren came to my side and pulled me over to the table in the living room to look at the laptop that was there. 

“Look what we found...” He mumbled to me while I stared at the laptop in disbelief, my eyes wide and filled with tears, I felt like I needed to throw up any moment. But Armin stayed where he was and didn’t bother to come over and look what it was, as if he already knows what it was. 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I couldn’t understand where this came from or who made this and who put this online. I didn’t get what people would do something like that. It seemed like a bad joke, but there was no way I could laugh about it. What it was? It was a video of me and Armin during our first time having sex. Someone recorded us and put it online but I had absolutely no idea who could have done this, not that I could think clearly right now with seeing this either. 

“Wh-who did this... Why... H-how...” I couldn’t even ask anything properly, I was still in shock of everything and sunk into myself in shame. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to help myself since Armin wasn’t coming over to comfort me and tell me we’d find out who did this or get this all suited out. He didn’t even come to tell me everything was okay, I was lonely with this problem in this moment. 

“The whole school is talking about that so we took a look and found it. We found it was better to let you know before it gets worse.” Eren stated as I put a hand over my mouth and let my tears roll down. 

I caught Eren and Mikasa smirking at something and when I look up, I see it was Armin they were looking at. I was confused and stared over at Armin as well before lowering my hand. 

“Armin, you should tell her. Now is the perfect moment, don’t you think?” Mikasa said as I took deep breaths and kept my gaze over at him, my heart clenching but I didn’t want to believe Mikasa’s words. 

“T-tell me what..?” I whispered over to Armin who glared at his friends. I never saw him angrier before, he wasn’t even this angry when we talked in the kitchen a few days ago. This was a side I never saw of him but it was proof enough that there was something big Armin was hiding, and it was scaring the shit out of me. 

“Armin... tell me what?” I asked again, more careful, while he only now looked over at me, his face was filled with so many things I couldn’t even tell you what I saw. It’s so much at once. And I wished I wouldn’t have seen anything. There was a tense silence that passed only slowly until Armin finally decided to speak up. 

“It was me.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write this chapter in Armin’s POV so things would get clearer and easier to read and understand
> 
> It’ll go back to Hanji afterwards, just to let you know
> 
> This chapter was hard to write for me, it hurt me, but I still hope you’ll like it!

» Armin’s POV «

 

“It was me.”

My voice echoed through the room while I felt like my heart was about to stop beating any moment at the sight of Hanji’s expression. I hated this, I never wanted things to get out of control but they went too far this time. They were the reason for all this, and now I was the one who looked like the ass. Maybe I was, but I never wanted to be. 

“S-stop it. This is not the right time for jokes.” Hanji mumbled with a nervous laugh but all I did was staring into her direction with the same expression I had for a while now, it showed how deadly serious I was, but it was still filled with regret because I knew what I did wasn’t right in any way. 

“Eren, Mikasa, leave. Now.” I demanded and glared into their direction since having them here any longer wouldn’t bring any good. I was so mad at them for doing all this and now I was most likely about to lose Hanji thanks to them. There was no way I would ever want to see these two again or talk to them, they were dead to me now. 

“Aw, c’mon, Armin!” Eren spoke with a smirk and walked over to my side to wrap his arm around my shoulders. “Don’t be like that, you wanted this, now we got her exactly where we wanted her. I mean, just look at her! /That’s/ what we’re working for. Levi will be really proud of you!” He praised us both and pointed over at Hanji who was still sitting on the couch with an expression of pure disbelief and confusion. 

“You wanted this too.” Mikasa said and got up to cross her arms over her chest, glaring at Hanji from the corner of her eyes. “People like her don’t have much of a choice. Levi is in charge, he says what’ll happen and we do it. As easy as that. We reached a lot with you acting like you loved this piece of scum. I’m impressed of your work.”

I couldn’t but keep glaring at them the more they spoke, mostly because I saw how hurt and broken Hanji was with every minute. So, I grabbed Eren’s arm and went over to grab Mikasa’s arm as well to drag them out of my house, shutting the door as soon as I was able to. They had no right to ever get back inside again. 

With a deep sigh, I dared to turn back around to face Hanji, slowly approaching her to sit next to her on the couch where I shut the laptop to get rid of these images, at least for now. I could see her body trembling and saw that she was crying very much but she didn’t make too many noises, I didn’t exactly know why, probably because of the shock she was in. 

“Hanji, I...” It hurt so much to see her like that, this fragile and weak, and it all because of me. When I put a hand on her shoulder, she jumped up and started taking steps back. “Let me explain, please-“

“Explain?!” She shouted and shook her head with a laugh. “What do you want to explain? Hm? That all this was planned? That you and your friends only waited for this to happen? Did you finally get what you wanted? Congratulations!” She clapped her hands while I saw her eyes filling with tears. 

“Hanji, that’s not how it was, it’s... complicated.” I sighed and continued to take careful steps towards her. “Just let me explain, please. After that you can hate me all you want. Just give me a few minutes, please-“

“No... No, I don’t want any of your stupid explanations!” She yelled back to me and I had to watch how she was backing away more and more. “Leave me alone!” 

Obviously, it hurt to see her this worked up and it worried me only more when I remembered she was highly pregnant. Her words hurt, but I understood that was how it looked like. “Hanji, you need to listen to me, please! Just listen, I beg you...” I tried to show how important it was for her to know the truth, but she kept backing away until I found us both in the kitchen and she stood against the counter. 

“I trusted you, Armin! I fucking trusted you out of all people, and now I find out all this was you?! That you’re working with Levi to do all this shit to me?!” She yelled, followed by tears and all I could do was slowly approaching her while shaking my head continuely. “Tell me, did you have fun?! Was that what makes you happy after all?! I thought you loved me... I was so stupid!”

“If you would just listen to me I could explain it to you.” I did my best to stay calm and stretched my arms into her direction but kept at distance. “I love you, Hanji. Just give me the chance to explain...”

“I don’t want to listen anymore! I didn’t say anything when you were talking with them on the phone, or when I met them and they acted strange, and when /you/ started acting strange and even hit me! I never said anything to you because I love you and you do this?! Am I nothing but an ignominy for everyone on this planet to keep doing this shit to me?! To keep hurting me and have fun with doing this?!” 

“No. No, Hanji, you’re not. If you would just let me explain-” I took a few steps closer but my eyes widened when I saw her grabbing one of the large knives that stood next to the sink. “Hanji, no!” 

“If I don’t have anyone I can trust in this world, if everyone thinks they can do things like this to me... even you, Armin... I see no reason to keep going anymore.” She lifted the knife and I immediately rushed over to stop her from stabbing herself. 

“...Hanji, please, just listen.” I whispered to her once she stopped moving and wrapped my arms around her, my forehead resting against hers, a tear rolling down my cheek. “Please...”

 

——————————

 

The first day of school. It was no coincidence that I got into the same school as Hanji, it was no coincidence that I got into the same class, and it was no coincidence that she was the one I showed interest in. It was all planned, indeed. 

Eren and Mikasa were already in this school and sided with Levi and his gang to make someone’s life the living hell on earth. I didn’t know this someone back then, all I got was a name, a description of their looking, and the order of what I was supposed to do with this person; break them until they crumble and fall apart completely. 

I didn’t want to do this, I never wanted this, but Levi and his sick friends threatened to hurt my parents if I didn’t do what they wanted, and I believed Levi to be able to hurt my parents in ways I wasn’t comfortable with, to even kill them, and I believed that the police could do nothing about it, not when it came to Levi. I knew Levi was capable of getting away with it, considering he already had done similar things, so I was scared for my parents’ lives. And to save my parents from any danger, I was ready to do everything I had to do. 

And so, I ended up playing their marionette to play with someone’s feelings and life who never did anything wrong to anyone, just to safe my parents from Levi and the others. I knew it wasn’t right, and I wasn’t proud of what I did, but there was nothing I was able to do other than following orders. 

I gained Hanji’s trust slowly by letting her believe I wanted to be her friend, wanted to help her, and wanted to be with her. I smiled at her every day, I laughed with her, spent much time with her, and gave her something to hold onto, just like Levi told me to do. I faked to be her friend for the sake of my parents’ well being. But I never would’ve guessed that she would be the person I wanted to be with forever. 

Suggesting to eat lunch together was Mikasa’s idea, she thought giving her something simple but with a meaning would make Hanji’s hopes grow more. But the idea of taking extra food for Hanji was mine because after seeing that she barely took food with her to school, I wanted her to get some proper meal whenever I could. 

When Hanji stopped talking with me, the others forced me to stay by her side and talk with her but it didn’t feel forced at all to talk with her, even if she never really answered anything. I enjoyed talking to her and liked the way she looked interested even though she most likely tried to hide that. I really wanted to be her friend, not only because the others told me to do so, but because /I/ wanted it. 

I knew that Hanji was a girl, she didn’t look masculine to me in any way. She was beautiful and gorgeous, and there was no way for me to decline it, but since Levi wanted to go further and further, I had to call her a boy in front of others, so Levi would be happy. I was worried what kind of consequences that would bring, but I prayed that it wouldn’t have hit her too deep. 

When I visited her a few days later, it wasn’t a coincidence at all that Levi and the others came the same day. I knew they would, and I knew what they planned, and I knew I couldn’t hold them back, but I didn’t want Hanji to be left alone with this, so I stayed with her at all costs even if that wasn’t part of the plan- which was the reason I got beaten up and tied to the chair to watch, by the way. They wanted to teach me to not do anything by myself again, and I had no other choice but let them rape her. I was too weak to hold them back, and too scared to do so because my parents were still threatened. I felt ashamed of myself, and still do to this day. 

My attempts to try to safe her from Levi raping her weren’t an act, though, if I would have gotten free I would have tried to get her away from there, even if the chances of us getting free were zero. But what I didn’t expect was Levi wanting to make her pregnant, maybe it was planned, maybe not, I had no idea, but I didn’t like that at all and it made me extremely angry and mad. 

Especially since Levi’s promise to tell Hanji where her father was was an empty one. He only said it to get her into doing what he wanted, he knew how to play his cards. He didn’t know where this man was, I doubt he even knew who he was, and I easily saw through his lie, but Hanji possibly was too desperate to have a part of her parents again to notice. I tried to hold her back, but I didn’t reach anything, so all I could do was supporting her at least; with the pregnancy, with her life, with everything. I just had to help her even if that was completely the opposite of what I was told to do. I wanted her to be happy and it hurt because I was scared of what Levi might do if he found out. 

I didn’t want to leave her alone again, I didn’t want her to hurt herself and didn’t want her to get hurt either. I tried to protect her and be there for her without making it obvious to Levi hence I was still scared of what he might would do. I promised her things and I did my absolute best to keep my promises at all costs even if I couldn’t sometimes. 

The more I spent time with her and the more I got to know her, the more I started to grow genuine feelings for her. Seeing her happy was what made me happy too because she had this charisma that made me feel more things than I probably should have. I fell in love with the person that I was supposed to hurt and I never felt more in a dilemma than I did the moment I realized that. Every time I told her that I loved her was genuinely meant, I never lied about my love for her, but now I regretted to let it come this far because that only got Hanji into more problems. 

Whenever we were talking to each other on the phone, Eren and Mikasa were by my side and listened to what we said, probably because Levi somehow lost trust in me. Then, when Hanji said for the first time that she loved me back, I felt so happy but Eren and Mikasa had to destroy everything which ended with Hanji in the hospital. I felt guilty for how this turned out and I couldn’t but hate myself for everything I did. But at the same time, I understood that I wanted to be with Hanji forever and never leave her again. I wanted to be there for her and wanted to love her for as long and as much as I could, so I started sleeping over more often. 

I accepted Levi’s child as my own because I felt responsible, because this was part of taking care of Hanji and being the family I wanted us to be. I treated her with care and gave her as much love as I was able to. Talking to the little one in her belly was an amazing feeling because I really felt like a father. I loved Hanji and our daughter with all my heart and I would never stop doing so. 

They forced me to record us when we slept with each other, I did so but I hid it so they wouldn’t get it. Then Eren and Mikasa appeared out of nowhere and when Eren took me to talk with me alone, I had to tell him where I put it and he got it to Levi, otherwise worse things would’ve happened. It was the worst thing I could do, I knew that, but he didn’t only threaten my parents, but also Hanji and the unborn child this time. I had no choice, I had to give it to them. 

But after that, it was rather calm for a while and we both could actually enjoy our time together. We spent our time mostly at home since I wanted to avoid any confrontations and contact with any others. I knew Hanji wanted to visit the ocean really bad, but I thought it might be better to go there once Amelia would be born so we could go all together, as a family. I thought it would make her happier than just the two of us. 

Of course, Levi had to find out about everything and had to destroy it all once again. He ordered me to go and work, so Hanji would be left alone longer. I never worked in a restaurant, I worked at a construction site on the other side of town since Levi wanted me to get exhausted and tired so I wouldn’t have time left for Hanji, and unfortunately for us, he reached what he aimed for. 

Levi wanted us to drift apart, and so we did. He wanted us to get into an argument, and so we did. He wanted me to slap her, and so I did. He wanted me to leave her afterwards, and so I did. I did all this just to save her from the things Levi would have done instead. I had no idea it would end with another time in the hospital, and I almost regretted it. But trust me if I say that Levi would have done even worse things to her if I wouldn’t have did as told. 

Eren and Mikasa being in my house exactly the day we came back couldn’t be coincidence and I only realized what they’ve done when I saw their expressions. I really hoped Levi would have forgotten about that video, I hoped he’d just leave it, but I should’ve known better than that. 

In that moment, I decided that I couldn’t go on like that, and I wanted to tell Hanji everything, I wanted her to know that this wasn’t entirely my fault. I wanted us and my parents to move to a new city, to start a new and safe life, far, far away from Levi and his friends, so everyone of my family could be safe and I didn’t have to fear that any of them would get hurt if I did the wrong thing. 

That was how things really went, and that was how we ended up in this big mess without a chance to get free, not under Levi’s command, at least. All I wished for was my family to be safe and healthy, I never wanted anything else and would never want anything else either. I would do anything to protect my family, but I took the wrong path from the very beginning already which was the first mistake I made. 

I wish I could have done something before all this happened, I wish I could have taken Hanji and my parents and left the city earlier already, but I haven’t planned that out well enough and caused us to be in this situation now. 

 

——————————

 

Explaining things never felt more difficult for me before, probably because it was strange to speak with a knife stuck in my back. It hurt without any doubt, but I did my best to suck it up just to let Hanji know the whole truth. She deserved the truth even if it now costed me my life. Surely not a very nice way of going since we just came from the hospital after saving Hanji’s life, but I knew it would’ve happened one way or another. I just didn’t know Hanji would be the one to end it by accident. If Hanji wouldn’t be the one, Levi would have taken care of that after finding out I stood against him, that was for sure. 

“Armin-” Hanji choked out with tears rolling down her face as her hand was still holding onto the knife in my back but all I did was shaking my head and hugging her closer. 

“Shh... I-it’s okay, Hanji. Everything’s o-okay.” I whispered back to her and kissed her cheek. Hanji then slowly pulled the knife out and let it fall to the floor, the clirring sound of the metal filling the silence between us until I couldn’t hold myself on my feet anymore and sank into my own puddle of blood. 

Hanji knelt down to my side quickly and held my head on her lap while I did my best to hold her hand as tight as possible. “I-I’m s-so sorry... Oh G-God... Wh-what did I-I do...” She mumbled but I just squeezed her hand and held it close to myself. 

“Hanji, p-please, remember, y-you deserve happiness. I always wanted you to be happy... I-I put some money to side, as soon as my pa-parents come back I want you to go with them as far away from here as you can. G-go somewhere where no-nobody knows you, and start a new life.” I explained to her while she stared down at me with wide eyes and shook her head. 

“A-Armin, I can’t d-do this... you’re gonna be alright! I’ll just call the ambulance-!” She wanted to get up but I quickly squeezed her hand, I couldn’t let her do this for obvious reasons; she would end up in jail for stabbing me and Eren and Mikasa would make sure Levi found out, then Hanji would get into even more trouble than necessary. The only thing I wanted now was her and my parents to get into safety, and Hanji was the only one who was able to take care of that now. 

“No, Hanji. Stay with m-me, don’t call anyone, ple-please, I-I have some more things to tell you.” I whispered weakly up to her and saw her nodding slowly while she held my hand tightly. I couldn’t waste time, I wouldn’t get through, so I wanted to say the last things to her before I’d go. 

I slowly reached up one hand and cupped her cheek gently, a small and pained smile on my lips. “I love you. I-I love you so much, more than anything else in the whole wo-world. And I’ll always be h-here for you, even now, I’m n-not leaving your side. Don’t forget that. I-I’ll always be there for you, I promise yo-you that.” 

“I-I love you too, A-Armin!” Hanji cried out and held onto the hand on her cheek while I slowly pulled her head down and kissed her forehead, her nose, her cheeks and her lips at the end, a few tears rolling over my cheeks as well before I looked down at her stomach and placed my hand there instead. 

“H-hey, love...” I whispered against her stomach and kissed her gently before Hanji shakingly lifted her shirt and I saw Amelia pressing against her belly, the print of her small hand visible now which made me smile happily despite the current situation. “Did you want to s-say goodbye too? I m-missed you a lot... Grandma and grandpa w-will come here soon, and you and mo-mommy will sta-stay with them, o-okay?” I kissed the small hand and heard Hanji sobbing and crying harder as I laid my head back on her lap and kept close to her belly in my last minutes. 

“T-take the clothes you’re wearing and b-burn them, and get rid-rid of the knife...” I instructed her since I understood she wouldn’t think about doing these things. She needed to stay out of this, I couldn’t let her get in prison for this and I prayed she would listen to me. 

“You n-need to leave this house as s-soon as possible. T-take the money in my closet a-and go to my friend J-Jean. His number is in m-my phone. He’ll understand, h-he’ll help you... he’s a g-good person...” My voice was getting more quiet the more I spoke but Hanji had to know what she needed to do now and who she could trust. “Y-you have to go to h-him, you hear m-me? H-he’s the only one you c-can trust... please, g-go to him and st-stay safe. H-he knows what to do...”

To my luck, Hanji nodded at what I said which was a relief for me. Now I could go with a clear conscience, knowing that once Hanji reached Jean, she would get helped. “I-I love you b-both so mu-much...” I mumbled with even more tears escaping my eyes while I kept my eyes up on Hanji with a small smile. I held her hand close while her free hand rubbed my hair back. “We lo-love you too... w-we’ll never stop lo-loving you, Armin...” 

I smiled a little more and gave a slow nod before my eyes reluctantly and slowly closed, the grip I had on her hand loosened completely, my head falling towards her stomach, my breathing slowly came to a stop, my heart slowly stopped, and my body went limp in Hanji’s arms.


End file.
